iiiiits legwarmer season!!

here i am again. right. here.

so i've been avoiding The Blog, conscientiously and otherwise, for a few weeks. it's probably going to be a photo journal of sorts for the while. i grow weary of the emotive entries - of the discussions of boys (laaaame), of whether or not san francisco or texas is my "home."

i started and maintained this blog because i considered myself to be traveling. my trip to texas and back allowed me to recognize that i am in fact no longer traveling, that without realizing it i have begun to create a community here, am gaining stability in the chaos, and have become addicted to all the madness here. i am happy here. i love it here. i love my lifestyle and the constant attempts at maintaining balance, of discovery, of pretty pretty sunsets.

* * *

on another note, i'm a little bummed/excited because i am reading a book that is one that i started to write a few weeks ago. yes, someone's already written it. blast. but mark buchanan did a fine job, and has the mathematics background so nailed it better than i could. it's called "nexus" and you should totally check it out.

you've heard of the six degrees of separation idea, yeah? the phrase "it's a small world" applies well here. perhaps i'm not in the know with the latest in "science," but i am learning through this book that these ideas are the crux of a mathematical theory that was discussed publicly in "Nature" in the late 90s. "Small worlds theory" or "complexity theory" has implications on how scientists and academics understand the complicated, multi-faceted relationships at work throughout the general fields of medicine, biology, ecology, sociology, etc. science (hard and soft) has pushed towards reductionism, focusing on how the tiny things work - with the function (in some cases) being an attempt to understand the larger picture. but this theory breaks apart how networks work without focusing on the small stuff - in a brilliant (and brilliantly simple) way.

so anyway. the latest piece i've been working was more non-fictional, "semi-autobiographical" (man i hate that term) - posing indirect questions to how it is that so much "wierd stuff" can happen to an individual in a world of 6 billion people. how are all of our lives intertwined? we've all had the experience of sitting next to someone in a cafe who is from the same city that we're from, or things even more unbelievable. but since i started traveling, these "strange" connections have started to accumulate and become even more unbelievable. the two boys i met here who are connected on myspace. running into 4 people from texas in rome within 24 hours (hi will). and how is the internet changing this? couchsurfing. myspace. the programs that allow us to observe and/or build networks.

i was bummed as i read it, but it's actually kind of cool because i think it's going to get my brain moving in 18 new directions that branch from my experiences, stories i hear from others, "nexus," related literature i find, etc.

so there. that's the first ive written about my writing. you best appreciate.

i wonder if anyone out there still reads this.

jen

"don't keep appointments with disappointment"

i will be on a plane for tay-hhhhas in two hours. on the dot.

the week since my last posting was full of fantastic to the brim:

* driving to/fro l.a. with rudy in one day. ONE DAY. it felt like four, but a lovely four.
* i have found "matt pond, PA" and i HEART THEM. cannotstoplisteningtothem.
* badly drawn boy for free thankyouverymuch. (and he rocked and was super cute to boot).
* ghostland observatory - kicks so much a** - holy crap. how did i never see them in austin?
* constant hanging out
* began writing my first "real" short story in a year
* recognizing that i have a strong community here - one that totally comes out of the woodwork when times are rough on me - i am a lucky lucky girl - i have decided to plaise much much much more energy towards these folks
* met two new GIRL friends. praise baby jesus. louise from brooklyn (media promoter for CMJ and i think Google in a matter of days) and logan from my old flat in danger zone (she lived there before me and likes fixes cars a hell of a lot)

so im on my way to texas and i couldnt be more excited. as ive walked along the streets here the previous few days, i've remembered that i get to see so many of you and it puts a super goofy smile on my face - and i start snapping along to whatever music i am listening to -

soon so very soon -

all my love,
jen

wow. whoa. geez. bam.

hello my friends -

isn't it baffling when you recognize that someone is an absolute waste of your time? ha - perhaps not other people's time, but yours? oh pardon me if i'm a bit strong / bitter, but i am enduring the multi-faceted result of someone closing an enormous steel door on a friendship with me - someone who decided to do it a long time ago and without letting me in on his secret.

i feel so fortunate that i place such enormous value on friendship. granted it results in a lot of pain sometimes, but i feel like it has made me a much stronger person. each of you have taught me a ton about what that really means, and i am still learning from each of you. i want to thank you for that with every piece of me. (especially diane. remember that message i left a few weeks ago? no no not that one. that other one. replay it or something).

i can only hope that i am as good of a friend to you kids as you have been to me. as i've wandered and moved and dealt with new and difficult situations (as all of you have as well), i place an increasingly enormous value on the friendships i have made and worked towards, on trust, straight-forward communication, the recognition of faults and strengths and the goofy stuff in between and the beauty of whole-hearted, unadulterated laughter. respect. honesty. integrity. (i suddenly feel like lauryn hill, and will probably be listening to her non-stop for the next week, which is fiiiine).

a few of you have no idea what i'm talking about (mario and martha, for example) - but that's because i've really been trying to deal with some stuff on my own. but please know that i think of you often and appreciate the hell out of you and can't wait to see you again.

now i can start being jen again. maybe i'll have a faltering few steps for a while, but nonetheless - no more time is going to be wasted.

i love you a lot. i'm sorry if i've been out of touch. i'm gettin' back with it, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that i know that you kids - though most are far away - are on my side and in full support of whatever direction life and Whoever Made Us lead me, lead you, lead the wooorrrrrrld.

thank you thank you thank you thank you.

i hope all is well out there -
jen

ricky skaggs has gone grey!!

these boys, my friends, are the avett brothers and i LOOOOOVE them.

this weekend was the 'hardly strictly bluegrass festival' in golden gate park. It’s one of the greatest free festivals in the world, me thinks (as do my sound-kid-friends who were working the stages). No fee to get in, 4 stages, AMAZINGLY TALENTED PERFORMERS, people rocking out, banjos, dogs, emmylou harris, ricky skaggs (awwwwwesome), binoculars at festivals sea world style (beth and paul - you get this one), frizbees, corn, sunshine, a bit of fog in the evenings. Really it was so super freaking awesome. I’ve been in the best mood since – woke up this morning dancing – actually slept last night for longer than 4 hours without waking up in the interim. I had such a great weekend.

You should all consider coming out here next year for the festival, being I’m still here, etc etc.

* * *

The rest of the weekend included: yoga, commiserating with heather from couchsurfing, creating long-term, tangible, possible goals for the first time in my life,

* * *

INTERRUPTION: I’m at work, and stace just got fired. I cant even believe it. She’s not sure what she’s going to do – she’s trying to go on tour with some of the sound people that were here for the bluegrass festival. Maybe Trader Joe’s (local organic grocery store). Geez man. This is insane. Two people fired in the previous two months.

Its actually a blessing in disguise for stace, seriously. She was NOT happy here at all. Neither of us are actually. Man, this is so crazy. She’s taking it well though – she actually started looking for another job last week because this one was driving her crazy. Everything will work out for her.

Man, I’m NOT getting into landscape arch/ arch as a career. The job market is far too fickle, and the lifestyle far too stressful. Next, please.

* * *

Hope all is well out there. This entry went from super happy to super wierded out – but honestly I (and Stacey) think that she will be in a much better place now. Besides, she’s getting paid to not come into work tomorrow. And she can get unemployement! (which pays more per month than either of us made last year).

I miss you kids a lot. More soon –

Jen

doozy

hello loverz.

{i have stolen "loverz" (different spelling) from amanda}

* * *

NOTE: this is a freaking emotion-driven / lame / boys = waaah / i miss you entry. if you are weak of spirit or time or drive, do not read.

* * *

so i've been far far away from the ol' blog. previously, i've used this computerized communication meeeedeeeum to chat about the crazy-wierd experiences that i've had in this city (and those further away). the reason i haven't blogged lately is NOT because craziness hasn't been falling in my path, but because the craziness has hit extreme levels that it's been messing with my sense of how to handle "crazy" situations. i'm usually a master at it. real wise, etc. (do most of you agree?) but lately, i don't know man, it's just been too much.

i'll try to summarize, without divulging too much or sounding like a complete girly- girl face. girl. face.

in chronological order:

1) i begin to date professor at stanford / indie rock star
2) i meet super cool dyyyyude / comedian / sports editor and kind of like him
3) they know each other (i found this out via myspace. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH MYSPACE).
4) having housemate issues. and they are not minor ones.
5) an incredibly good friend of mine and i "really can't hang out anymore." which SUCKS.
6) co-worker tells me he wishes one of us would quit our job so we could date
7) drop wallet whilst jogging. sianara (sp) gem of duct-tape wallets. le sigh.
8) strange man chases me while i was waiting for bus. i jump into taxi and escape. awesome.

all of this happens within 2 weeks of each other.

* * *

so i've been hanging out a lot, trying to sort things through. i haven't had a lot of jen-time during the previous 6 months, so i'm finally getting some of that back.

* * *

as far as the relationships-portions-of-the-above-list go: lately, i've felt incredibly used. i feel like sometimes boys just like me because i'm "pretty". or that i'm this mysterious traveler chick, but one that noone would ever want to pursue a relationship with because she'll take off somewhere, or who knows why. and it really really sucks.

i'm confused, for no boy gives me time of day for 3.4 years (literally) and then super cool ones decide they like me, and i dont know how i feel, and i cant really be at home to just sit and sort things through because of apartment issues / scaryville.

* * *

i think what everything comes down to is that, quite frankly, i miss love. and not just the relationship kind (though of course this would be nice), but i miss being around people who really know me, understand me, love me. who wouldn't take advantage of me. who wouldn't use me. you are all so far away. lately, i've seriously had to sit down and list / think about the people in my life who do love me, remember as much about them as possible so i don't feel so alone. i feel like i'm in scotland all over again, but the difference is that i've been here for a year and i feel that it is less understandable that i don't have a stronger network of super great friends by now. (stacey's strugglin' with this too, so i'm thinking that it may partially be a function of the move out here and what happens after being a year in a new place that isnt school-related).

i just miss family and good good good great friends a whole heck of a lot right now. i guess sometimes you just need people to tell you that they love you. i don't know. i just miss constant hanging out. embracing environments. constant love.

what a rambling fest / feast.

and i recognize i'm rambling uncontrollably, but thank you to all of you who have talked with me about a few / all of these things already. i appreciate each of you so very very much.

(i love diane arnaout. thanks for saving me that one time, and those other 89 times too, but specifically that one time).

i love you kids a lot. don't you worry. this entry is a freaking doozy, so i shall mask it soon with photos or witty jokes or something super hip and cool very very soon.

i hope all is well out there -
love love love -
jen