hold tight

for the love, go see king kong go see king kong. super glad 'they' maintained the 1920s context, and i thoroughly enjoyed watching dinosaurs roll all over each other (not like that).

going to a place entitled 'midnight rodeo' tonight for my cousin's birthday. 'midnight rodeo.' yeeeeeees. and i havent seen my cousin in 4.3 years it seems and i am glad that i finally get to hang out with that awe-inspiring woman.

been reading 'world according to garp' and i am not a john irving 'fan.' i'm indifferent to finishing it, but i'm 500 pages into it and am moderately interested to see how the authors ties everything up. but it's boring - no recommendation here.

why has it been so lovely outside since i arrived? geeeez. been running like mad.

weekend will include chance drives to and fro austinian, digging up plants in my dad's yard and lounging. and i think brokeback mountain is opening up in ese this weekend and im all over it.

now to explore downtown san antonio like it's a place i've never seen before. *graps bag and busts outta here*

you're a freaking electrical engineer and you haven't seen 'short circuit'!?

yo. yes.

i nearly cried when i opened up a package of socks on christmas morning, for peeeete's sake. i've been 'poor' before, but the amount of happinesss i experienced upon receiving those things allowed me to recognize how freaking broke i am right now. santa was surprisngly right on - didn't receive mass amounts of stuff or anything, but everything was functional and fairly necessary and purchases of such items in sf would have resulted in no grocery money. oh my god i have a pair of jeans with no holes or frays and i love them.

my brother and i have been spending a good bit of our bored time attempting to create the greatest 'that's so myspace' photos. here are our finest attempts:
pudge wearing the most disgusting shirt in all the land which i gave him for kuhhdeeeesssmaaaahhs


this is the first thing that's embarassed me since tripping over a trash can junior year in high school when a 'hottie' asked me about my soccer game. god this photo is horrific.

been dabbling about with various kids in the area. eg: was able to see van, my old painting t.a./current superhero before she left for rhode island and france and other far away places. she makes me want to travel again and paint for a living. was also able to hang out with friend from 16yearsoldplusland marcos last night. so freaking good. i haven't been able to just sit down adn freaking talk (minus london) in at least 3 years and i remembered again why i miss him so much. two prime examples that texas is a fine place with lovely people.

been running, yoga-ing and taking care of siblings who are all got their wisdom teeth pulled. my sister held my arm the whole trip back frmo the dentist and it made me 18x happier than i already was to be around this place. and neither of my sibs can talk and it's hilarious. they're seriously pitiful right now, wallowing in my parents' bed, moaning and shit. it's awesome. and the both have dentist office stickers slapped all over their shirts. i feel for those kids, and hope their pain is over soon.

if you are in texas, i hope we meet again. so thankful for so very much. take care out there -

the dedication

below are amanda + diane + jen = yay. no additional comments necessary:










except for that my teeth extend from my face approximately 4 inches which i looooove about said face.

* * *

this is nick and scott. i do not use The Plural for they are seemingly one entity. nick and scott = nice. and hip! oh how hip.

* * *

christmas has begun yet again, yeeees. hope you are warm, avoiding christmas music on the radio and with 1-49 people that you love.

kitties looting the 7-11

dearestsestes,

i am in san antonio and it is freaking lovely.

my time in san francisco ended beautifully, garnished by a surprise-surprise visit from two blokes currently living in portland/chicago. two of the nicest boys in all the land who i havent seen in 1-3 years called me 12 hours before my flight to texas, announcing their whimsical visit to (and current location) a spot 3 blocks from my home. they called at 10:30 pm, they were on my roof by 11:15. it was really good to see those manz of men. for realz. nick and scott - you're the 'coolest.'

i feel better somehow now they've seen my apt, etc - now that someone linked to texas/ life before california has been able to see where and how i live out there - i feel relieved.

we had christmas early around these parts - being that many of my aunts are in town now but leave soon, very soon. i hear the radio announcing the approaching dates via commercial breaks, and sit crouched in the backseat with glory smiling to myself. little to THEY know, i opened most of my presents early. yeeeees.

diane and amanda are lovely and i shall dedicate my next blog entry to their love-eh-leee-ness.

and what shall i be doing for the next n days?

1. visiting dollah fihdy/matinee films con-stan-tinoply. 1.50 through 7.00 > 10.25
2. listening to the wind blow through the trees in my front yard
3. trying out san antonio-style sushi
4. watching every spurs game because they are free here and i love them.
5. lounging with fam-fam.

what a dream come true. take care out there -

no animal should wear clothing, especially not 'booties'

the great divide

only so many times can one be whistled at by a homeless person before they feel they want to physically impair said homeless person. how did i live in my previous apartment for so long? i am far too strong, brave and illogical.

i currently live on the cusp between rich and poor. walk east, and one is certain to see drugs, people laying on the sidewalks, doped up - or walking around chanting things that aren't complete sentences or coherent thoughts, prostitution, women and men that you wish you could drive to the nearest rehabilitation clinics or erase every nasty things they've seen, done or had happen to them.

walk west: RICH. dear lord - some of the fanciest people i've seen or met. beautiful homes, super nice cars. there are three dog clothing stores within 3 blocks of my house, but to the west. 94% of pet owners in this city also own clothes for their animal(s). how humiliating for every being involved.

i live on the border of these two worlds - constantly observing how each avoids the other. how each talk about each other. how they judge. how they pretend they aren't cowering when around the someone from across the block walks in their general direction.

the neighborhood amenities

yet perhaps partially due to this peculiar location, i am granted the following within a one-block radius of my apt:
book shops: 3
sweet, cheap bars: 8
cafes: 4
thrift stores: 3
indian food restaurants (all below are also cheap and delish): 3
thai: 2
japanese: 2
vietnamese: 2
mx/central amn: 6

fairly ridiculous, yes.

the inevitable countdown

it's been hard to not have a countdown before going to texas. that flight is going to be long - and i'm going to be antsy.

and i will get to watch spurs games for free. the perk of perks. other than family and couch lounging and neighborhood running.

the scene-ster that i am

tonight i am going to a 'hard core/punk' show for free downtown and i am freaking excited about it. that woman stacey has been doing her part to get me into many a 'hard core/punk' show gratis as of late - it's pretty much all i do when i'm not whining about work or reading. it's hilarious: i don't 'fit in' at all, but people are nice and accepting of my idiosyncracies and flashy attire (i.e. yellow t-shirts /paint pants). the music is, uh, awful - but it's fun to freaking watch that mess and laugh my ass off with stace.

so much for so long

hope all is well - that you are resting, warm and happy - i am all but rested, but that will happen oh so very soon.

let's do this

hello everyone

today is my dad's birthday and i love him. talked with him on the phone today, and it was hard on me when the call ended. i miss him a lot, and wish i was already there - but will be soon so 'it is cool, yo.'

we have another freaking dog. hhahha... it's old name was 'georgia coo,' but my family has decided to upgrade its title to 'pookah' *stares into computer screen*

here is a photo of my family from long, long ago. pappy didn't even tan back then: ;

* * *

i don't know how to handle work anymore. i feel like i've been in a constant state of uncertain non-profit death for the past 5 months and i'm running out of steam. when i get back on januarywhateveritis, i could be pulled from the organization - which at this point - i wouldn't fight too hard. if that doesn't happen, i will be officially running solo over there, being the part-time kid i work with is going to be outta here. quitting has entered my head - but then i waver along a spectrum between 'i don't quit things' to 'let's be smart jen and think of another direction to go'

i have saved no money over the past 4+ months. i barely make rent. yes, this place is pretty - quite pretty. but geez man i've been working way too hard for this sum. and my san francisco 'bosses' haven't helped me at all as far as what in the hell i should be doing at work.

i wonder if moving out here was a poor decision, but i'm alive and smile a lot still and am learning. lord knows i am learning.

* * *

it's almost the end of the semester for most of you, if not already. i am glad to hear you can rest for a bit. for realz.

miss you guys - take care of yourselves out there -

fairly certain i cant sleep at home tonight

it's 9 pm and i am trapped in a cafe because my key to the main entrance of my apartment won't work. and of course i don't have my cell phone being that i hate talking to people and left it in mmy room. what a lovely beginning to a week that i was hoping would be even a little better than the previous.

so i will focus on the positives, and send you photos of sunset from my roof:





i talked with my san francisco 'boss' tonight, and she didnt seem 'very happy' that i had spread the word to my americorps washington dc 'bosses'. what-ever. the drama continues. i still dont know what's happening and im tired of sucking things up at work and i wish i knew what i wanted to be when i grow up and all i want to do is lounge on my living room couch in ese.

i really hope i dont have to stay in a hostel tonight.

jen.

poofy head

weekend ~ wierd.

i dont know if people could tell that the past week was a trying one for me or what - but i earned a ridiculous amount of free things this week. free trips to mansions, beer, philipino food, mangoes, bread, barbeque and film showings. i'm befriending bartenders and grocery store owners 'baker street style.'

regarding the people i hang out with here: a few are top notch (e.g. eric, stacey, rudy, etc). but everyone else: man, this sounds terrible, but i've been hanging out with them because they are 'entertaining.' i swear when i'm with them, i feel like i'm watching a bizarre episode of the real world - i sit in teh background, watching with huge eyes, trying as hard as i can not to reveal what im thinking through facial expressions/words. i find myself pretending that i am traveling through a strange land with strange people who are super peculiar. so often this weekend, i faced teh sky with my fists clenched with earnestness wishing that you kids could share in my bafflement, awe and humor in regards to these people. i am a terrible, terrible human being.

rudy is lovely. yesterday we feasted on meat, lit a fire in his backyard, made smores and watched family guy, simpsons and the muppet christmas movie. yeees.

no word on americorps. if they force me to leave the work site, i may quit americorps entirely and look for a birdwatching (i.e. birding) job. i'm serious. (thanks, erin)

photos of roof at sunset soon.

i need a haircut badly. its beginning to do this flipping inward thing that my parents forced me to wear in my youth. my head is beginning to look like a mushroom cloud.

in texas in a week, though it feels like i was just there. i miss soooo much and cannot wait cannot wait. life is going well over here - hope the same goes for you. just a little more learning and its over for a bit. i promise.

just a bit

1. bored out of my brain from writing grants - tired of it. sitting in cafe and am blogging - again - as a means of avoidance.
2. one of the kids called me 'eccentric' yesterday. *stares into computer screen*
3. i wore a turtleneck yesterday for the first time since 6th grade, and boy did i wear it well. and those things keep the heat IN. geeeez. i was pulling at my neck all freaking day.
4. currently rocking out to the kevin cole show on kexp. john richards pulls me outta bed every morning.
5. the kids want me to start a myspace page, so they can one up their friends at school basically. i am tempted, but know that 1) it will turn into yet another addiction and 2) i do not want to freaking start-up contact with 23 kids that i never talked to in high school/college or anyone else really. ha.
6. since i began reading 'pigs in heaven,' i have been inundated with pig references. i met two irish dudes named poric (pronounced 'pork') a few night ago and had an in-depth discussion with celina (awesome awesome co-worker) about her intense hatred for miss piggy.(pigs in heaven isn't half-bad. not on the list of Books I Would Re-Read, but alright nonetheless).

i really don't like microsoft word, but recognize they're better than typewriters - at least in some ways. so bored. dont want to go back to to that mess. i wonder if a muse would come in handy. eh.

i wish we could frolick together.

what happened to the ashtray?

big news on the americorps front:

i've been really indifferent towards everything lately, exemplified in the writing of my monthly report to my americorps 'bosses' in d.c. haha... i told them everything: how we have no funding, i have no boss in san francisco and soon no co-worker, and am basically running the show over here. my americorps boss totally freaked out. called me the next morning at 8 am and talked about it with me. she had no idea things here were so 'bad' - so they may pull me from the project, which oddly enough, im really torn about now. i still feel like this project is helping out the kids here and if i leave, this non-profit dies. period. - but the fact is i came out here to learn about non-profits from people running one, not run one myself.

the conversation was relieving in a sense - the situation i have been in has been extreme - it isnt just me blowing things out of proportion. she said she 'had no idea how i had handled everything so well.' jesus.

so i dont know whats going to happen. im staying in san francisco through the summer still (because 1)i am proud/stubborn and 2)i like it here) - but i dont know if im staying with the program, moving to another project entirely or quitting americorps. if they force me to leave this program, i'm honestly really not up for a transition into another job that makes such a pittance. i dont know whats going on. but i will update you soon, por supuesto.

oh, and bush has just pulled the funding for the majority of domestic social-work based programs, including americorps. man, he's smart.

* * *

i saw dancer in the dark finally - and my girl-crush on bjork is enormous now. she's brilliant and crazy and freaking awesome. although the film was enormously depressing and i had to shake myself out of it after it ended, it was super pretty. see it, but wait until your tests/papers over over. watching this film would maim your learning capacity for at least 16 hours.

* * *

OH. rudy pulled my lame ass out last night, beckoning to see 'single frame' with him, et al. i had forgotten all about those kids. it was really surreal as the set continued and i recognized a few of the songs. still have the imagery in the background, but have graduated from slides to video. not sure if that was the wisest move but i still danced. a lot. if you're near/in austin - find these kids as soon as you can.

town hall laaahvaahs: werent they called 'single frame ashtray' at some point? did i miss a dramatic sequence of events?

and it seems like 98% of you out there are going through serious school/work related learning-time. i know things will work out for all of you kids - you are all smart and you know it. miss you a lot, am thinking of you and good luck with everything.

"good song, jen"

i'm fairly certain i was created solely to choose the songs on the jukebox.

i have found the best jukebox in the world. literally. the world.

and i am the quintessential quasi-music snob

the selection included: etta james, arcade fire, inxs (of course), blondie, tears for fears, elton john, pretty girls make graves, billy bragg, marvin gaye, led zeppelin, radiohead, david bowie.

and i swear for about 3 hours tonight: "was this you?!! damn. good song "

eh. spare me. hhaha

(aside: i love diane and i love you darling).

i miss all of you a lot and i am lame blah. you. no, not you. no wait, maybe you. shit. yes, you? point: please comment on my photos. ha.

take care of yourselves, please

AND MY SISTER IS A GEEN-EE-HHUS. i love my sister i love my sister peace out heb i love my sister.

is the sabbath on saturday?

sundays are freaking wonderful for me - they're my one full day off during the week. i always turn off my phone, and wander until my heart's content. back to traveling mode. why does that mess bring such a strange and wonderful happiness to me?

i woke up at about 8 am yesterday and literally jumped out of bed when i saw how lovely it was outside. JUMPED. piled on clothes and bolted out the door for exploration. (photo of the bed i leapt out of, including a bit of my room. oh how spacious):

1. wrote a letter to mario. yeeeeees.
2. found 'grace cathedral hill'
3. saw 'jesus is magic' with old, not-creepy housemate, eric, who is lovely.
4. wandered through the not-touristy parts of chinatown. at one point, my brain involuntarily jumped to calculate-the-exchange-rate-what-does-this-mean-in-us-dollars mode. i did NOT feel like i was in the u.s. for about 15 minutes. (the walk to chinatown. note the pagoda):

(the orange bits on the bottom right are boiled turtles with some sort of sea creature stuffed inside):

5. chanced upon a FREE art gallery with picasso, warhol and chagall. (free?!!)
6. listened to a lady singing opera (and beautifully) along a street downtown. we chatted afterward and she's my new hero.
7. ate some yogurt + muesli in front of the 'full house' houses, wondering if jessie cosdsapaloes was going to walk up the hill and declare is love for me, etc. (night-time view, not good but somethin'):

i love that new worlds are a mere 30 minute jaunt from my neighborhood. i am incapable of walking down a street and not shaking my head, smiling my face off and mumbling to myself 'i live here. i live here.'

1/7 days isn't too bad - esp when those one days are so freaking packed with loveliness.

a few more photos:

on the walk to the downtown sector. brilliant:

wondering if i accomplished a little too much today:

i apologize for the beyond lengthy email. but its rare i get to wander like this, so i get pretty stoked when it happens - and subsequently barrage my blogging readership with tiny stories so i can bore you to tears.

miss yous. -jen.

that's it. i'm purchasing long-johns.

the cold is close to bitter here, or maybe i'm just a baby. it doesn't help that 2 of the three pairs of sneakers i own have fairly large holes laced on the bottom and/or sides of them.

orion, the big dipper and the north star are in full force right now. check those suckers out.

my friend that is a girl, stacey, is proving to be a solid, trustworthy force in my costant explorations and quick-witted judgements of this city. she too swears that i am 34. thank God.

i cant speak enough about the kids i'm working with. if/when i work as a teacher, i won't be able to befriend them as i am able to now. example: conversation btw yours truly and a SUPER smart 14 year old named jennifer lopez who would quiver with anger if she knew i was about to dub her as j-lo for the 67th time for sheer lack of wit.

j-lo: yeah, i'm failing math. i have a 26 average.
me: what. how. you're a genius.
j-lo: i don't turn in my homework.
me: that's stupid. why.
j-lo: *stares at jen* i don't know.
me: well that's the dumbest thing i've heard in about 4 months. math is easy and you know it, i've seen you do more difficult things than that, and homework takes 30 minutes.

ha... i probably shouldnt have told her that what she was doing was stupid, but it is. she's coming by my office on monday afternoon so we can learn algebra together. and we hugged when she left. these kids hug me all the time when we're not throwing around footballs or they're making fun my eyes that look like a hound dog's, and i can't figure out why.

so very bored of writing grants, but that's what i'm here for. and to tell kids that how they're acting in school is stupid. and to marvel at city wonders.

no more grant-writing for the love of God no more grant-writing. i will never work as a grant-writer ever again. i want to write about other things. and not just in blogs, and nothing about my life.

miss you. hope its warm and happy for you wherever you are. it's definitely real nice over here.

-jen.

straight outta mary poppins

a homeless black man and i just chased my umbrella for two blocks - run, abruptly stop, spin around, grab, miss, wind, run, dammit - between buses and around fruit stands in the pouring rain. really, it's like we were dancing and it was beautiful. just beautiful.

i thanked the kind man who laughed at my tribulations after i finally took hold of the thing, and then i turned to get some coffee. my umbrella immediately exploded from the inside out. you must be kidding me.

the weather's fierce here. the wind is super strong, and comes from every direction so you can't place your umbrella in one direction and walk on. my arms are gaining muscle mass from firmly grasping my umbrella with two hands, constantly altering the direction its geared towards with the abrupt changes in wind gusts.

my little prance down the streets allowed me to recognize how many local business owners and employees i've met around here. bookstores, bars, philipino groceries, cafes - employees from each place coming out to help me grab onto that god-forsaken umbrella - each one of them saying 'welcome to san francisco' when the wind changed and blew that worthless thing in the opposite direction.

* * *

going to be super dorky for a while - why do i enjoy reading or painting or lying on my bed with my arms folded beneath my head listening to an album from beginning to end than i do going out? no need to answer because i'm really not that concerned.

aaaahh well. i am happy in my constant judgements of every person i meet and wide-eyed san francisco explorations.

and i've always had a big crush on dick van dyke. huge.



UPDATE:

i think i found the cafe that dreams are made of. it's really peaceful here. nick drake in the background. the interior looks like a fancy antique furniture store, but one where you're allowed to sit on the couches and shit. older crowd. not throngs of hipsters declaring their coolness via their sporting of tightpants and mustaches.

and it's directly across the street from my apartment. been there for a month and had never seen it.

asides:
1. how can anyone 'recommend' an execution?
2. please say prayer/think of those who are diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. and not just today, but whenever you can.
3. hooray for the new pope. sure, i respect him, etc - but i can't believe the main representative of the catholic church can have such warped views, and promote ideas that directly counter the catechism and bible and genesis and jesus and people with good hearts.

i miss so many of you, and am so incredibly thankful for this place, what's taken me here, the progression of my decisions and experiences and person, where i'm going and the fact that i have no idea what 'where i'm going' means. this thing magically transforms into a journal at times. and there's no way back.