banjos and xylophones

i arrived to seattle-esque weather. quintessential murky, drizzly, black overcoat and umbrella toting weather. quite nice. supposedly it lasts for the next two months but it seems to have a calming factor on the kids out here - something everyone could use from time to time i suppose.

my trip to san antonio was great. great. although i fought with my mom a bit (how surprising), i was able eat my grandma's waffles, make fun of my brother for having a quasi-girlfriend and visit the city of austin.

was able to see mario, reena and ran into cory. dammit i miss those kids - find myself constantly laughing, constantly at ease with them. and being that reena and mario are students and from far away places, i probably won't be able to see them in dec/jan so it was good i came down when i did.

was also see the lovely diane, and we all know, words can never express how i miss/adore her. blah. was also able to hang out with amanda (twice!) as well as with rupa and meisa - all amazing women. we drank the night away, wondering how such a fine collection of strong, smart, beautiful women could really be so perfect. i hope that each of you, when times are rough or wonderful, remind yourself how fantastic it is to have such a strong group of women-friends to help and laugh and drink a gin and tonic with you. listen to each other. you're all real smart.

i wish i was making money here so i could:
1. visit reena in india next year
2. have a reasonable health insurance plan
3. save money for a house. a house.
4. not consider orange juice a delicacy

with every trip home, im surprised by something, miss my family even more and tweeking my 'friend list,' so to speak. without my recognizing this before i started moving around, this far away business has allowed me to identify (in a sense) who i trust, who i believe in, who i adore, who i am incredibly thankful for. and each time i go home, that list is widdled down, added to, readjusted. and it's nice. sad sometimes, but good.

my grandpa had knee replacement surgery today and it went well, thankfully. hip hip *fist in air*

reading 'notes from underground' and its excellence is kicking me in the pants.

back to the not so gloomy gloom. take care out there.

fam fam

mosquito bites: 2
fighting texas aggie shirts: 7
stupid, hilarious jokes de my father: 32
entertaining 'fights' with mom: 3
southpark episodes: 3.28
people i've run into: 3
meals (excluding spanksgiving) with lovely grandparents: 1

i've been wallowing around with my family for teh past 36 hours. i can feel myself involuntarily trying to soak in as much of the humor, comfort, ease and beauty of this city and my family so i can return invigorated.

the feasting has to end soon. i'm bulging from every part of my body.

it seems my blogging readership is larger than previously recognized. comments are for losers, apparently. but i shall continue to comment like mad. don't you worry.

bought contacts. first time in about 2.5 - 3 years that ive worn them. had to purchase them becase its constnatly foggy and misty in sf, and glasses are just plain disfunctional for the climate. i feel really wierd these thigns on. i'm contantly poking at my face to push my non-existent glasses up. and my face is really funny looking. seriously. i'm glad i've hidden it under my sweet ass frames for so long.

back to throwing myself back into my gorgeous family. take care out there.

delicious treats

if san francisco was fashioned from jell-o:




*click on image for a sweeter view*

i adore these photos. and i am glad to know someone(s) spent a lot of (hella) time and energy in both purchasing boxes upon boxes of that stuff as well creating something with that mess which all of us can enjoy so thoroughly.

and why when i think jell-o, i think luby's.

thank you for bearing with thoughts on boys i bravely posted to anyone with access to the internet.

been working rather well since i recognized i am incapable of saving the non-profit. now that i feel like there's nothing to lose and its way too much for one person to handle anyway, i've had a ton more energy when dealing with all of that mess. ive been writing with ease, much more laid back and don't really give a crap when i talk with fancy people on the phone. haha. kinda feel like the guy from office space after hypnosis.

hooray for airplanes. cant wait for kin and feasting. hope thanksgiving is nice nice great for all of you.

sad lover blues

i'm pretty sure i am secretly 34 years old, and am certain i am one of the most judgemental sobs in all the land.

i went to a party at rudy and sita's last night (which was super fun), met a bunch of people including a boy who was insisted on walking with me 12 blocks to ensure that i arrived at my apartment safely.

since i was tiny, i constantly tried to reaffirm my 'independence' by insisting that i walk home alone, etc. but i tell you. i am growing weary of watching out for myself all the time, constantly ensuring noone's following me, etc. now i am all about boys taking care of my ass in this respect. walk me home, leave flowers on my doorstep. ok, carrying on.

so i met a bunch of people, chatted it up with a few cute boys who actually approached me. say what. anyway, after about 16 minutes of talky talk, i judged them and wrote them off completely. (said i had to 'use the bathroom' approximately 14 times last night - jesus). and what were my assertations of their character? why did i write them off?

mr number one: too effeminate
and the second: hand gestures were too dramatic
so long #3: stared at my face while smiling throughout the entire conversation. felt like a horny toad was growing out of my cheek.

and all of them seemed to be under the age of 23 and that bothered me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. why am i incapable of dating people my age, but only to find older boys annoy the crap out of me. why am i grouping people according to age. why do i judge like mad. and why, why, when i meet someone who actually seems up there, nothing happens - he is completely uninterested (which is always awesome) - or i get nervous that i am giving him too much attention so ignore him the entire time.

i am ungodly picky, and it's only getting more extreme. at this rate, i will not meet Wow You Are Lovely, Boy until the year 2032. not that i'm looking. but jesus it would be nice to at least feel that goofy, oh i like him, feeling for the first time in 3+ years. i think i have used up my capacity for this, and have transferred all of this energy to listening to public radio stations that play npr and super sweet music that makes me feel smarter.

i am 36. i listen to public radio. i birdwatch for gods sake. i am turning into a film snob. i wear a lot of black. i use 'big words.' i am far from super intelligent, and much more on the eccentric side. i am boring, boring, boring in person and via blog. it sucks only knowing 2 people in a 400 mile radius. i miss my sister and brother. i cant wait to see me father. and my mom is far too patient with me on the phone.

lewis taylor - lovelight. do it. can't stop listening to it.

does everyone go through these cycles of self-pity? tired of self-pity. peace out mr. pity party.

various artists, et al

here i am, broke as hell and i've been donating (though small amounts of) moneys to public radio stations. but i swear, if a few of them weren't around - i don't think i would have made it through work for the past 4 months.

been going to fancy magazine openings (well, just one) where people like those below go to hang out. it's like high school, laguna beach and sorority parties rolled into one and on steroids. the sf posh is a hilarious scene to observe. thank GOD i was wearing a black shirt so i could fit in. *sarcasm, thanks*

been unusually warm around these parts - havent had to wear a scarf in about 2 weeks. subsequently been running like mad in the mornings. below is a map of all of my jogs to this point. this map also conveys via metaphoric imagery (?) how i am slowly taking over this city.

my jogs (i.e. sf reconnaisance missions) are frequent, but in-office feasting and visits to the 18 delish restaurants 15 footsteps away are constant. this is resulting in jen gaining 3.6 lbs of fat/muscle every 22 hours. yes amanda, i too am dealign with the 'fat pants' scenario. am also becoming increasingly aghast to the fact that in any and all recent photos of me, i look like a football player. defenceman, even. thank God the rate of weight addition will increase to 3.6 lbs/6 hours starting wednesday.

been doing minimal hanging out, being that my 2 friends that are girls are out of town and i have cut communication with all boys to one pointless phone call each week. ha. miss my family a ton - wish i had my approximately 34 cousins with me right now, even the crazy ones. how lame am i. how very lame.

wish i had more craaaaaazy stories to share with you, but unfortuatenyl they're all work (i.e. boredom) related.

film/cookie-making/rudy time. keep it 'real'. jen.

i've got a hankering

amanda petunia torres is lovely and wonderful and i heart her.

couldn't have come at a better time, darling. a week or so please.

and a shout out to mario for staying true to the penpal thang for oh so very long. fairly certain no smiles are as unhindered as those that hit my face when slow (and super cool) mail comes to me from you. double negatives are fine, just fine.

i bought a sweet laundry hamper for 3.99 today (was 20.99 - thank god for knowing every person in every thrift store in my neighborhood. and there are 5 of them).

i almost had a nervous breakdown after work yesterday, which was super sweet. i'm considering tattling on my non-profit to americorps. feeling ethically compromised in the lies i feel like i have to tell potential funders and i soon shall be the only freaking employee running the thing. but the kids are freaking awesome, and they're teaching me important facts like where biggie smalls came from, whos 'frontin' in the hip hop community and discuss books with me (latest: di's recommendation 'things fall apart', next 'ishamel' no less).

trying to treat work like just something i have to do in order to live in this super sweet city. i have to pay my dues for being here, which is fine by me - at least in this moment. ha. lets see what happens tomorrow.

later dyudes.

so it goes.

greg watching planes fly overhead into the l.a. airport - they came ridiculously close to us


a photo of frumpy jen so mommy doesn't complain that there aren't enough photos of her daughter


june, sho and sara flaunting the bounty received for allowing jen into their home for a bit


downtown san francisco from my roof


and again, but watching the sunrise.

on life: it's alright over here. my only co-worker put in her two weeks last monday - so yes, YES, i am currently the only employee at the non-profit. THE ONLY EMPLOYEE. i am in freaking in charge of a non-profit that is on its deathbed. sweeet.

so i'll just pretend it's not happening and take refuge on my roof.

la was super, and i remembered just how fantastic it can be to hang out with people who have known you longer than 3 or 4 months. miss you kids out there.

so it goes.

LEP over GEN

santa monica, california holds throngs of kids that look they came directly out of laguna beach. it's bizarre. everyone here is just so... just so beautiful.

still in southern california. i reread my blog entry from yesterday and couldn't make sense of it. it came out that way partially due to the total of 4 hours of sleep i had received the previous 3 evenings. this one will be longer, and more explanatory (i.e. duuuuuuull uuuuuuaaaaaaaaghhggheeerrrgh).

triple highlight.
A. meeting other americorps members in the bay area, finally. learning how they're making it on the measly stipend. one woman lives in a boat. another is a single mom of 3 kids. all seems super freaking cool.

B. meeting up with my friend from tinyhood, greg gomez. geez. ok this kid was one of the laziest, brightest sobs when we were in mid/high school. NOW. wakes up at 5:45 to teach science and religion (separately) to 6-8th graders in compton (inner city l.a.) my word. poverty in the u.s. exists, my friends. bold, in your face, dont have running water, how are we going to eat, gang violence poverty. i felt like i stepped into guatemala when i entered the neighborhood, and his school is no different. check this crap out:

1. can't afford substitute teachers (split grades up - 1/2 of 2nd goes to first, other half to third)
2. not enough chairs for students
3. no computers
4. books from 1991
5. no playground, just an old parking lot
6. the cafeteria looks and feels like a barn (barn swallows were living inside of it).
7. teachers instruct 2 subjects at 3 different grade levels. that's far too many lesson plans.

and greg's teaching BLEW ME AWAY. these kids listen to him, dont act up, participate - he's always actively engaging them. he utilized me in class - taught the acronym derived from 'Lose Electrons: Positive, Gain Electons: Negative' by having me crouch down in the front of the room and leaping over me twice in front of the students. man. i'm super impressed with him. he was a punk kid, so perhaps he knows a bit more about what to say and do to get people to listen to him.

martha, i thought about you a lot and love you.

C. staying with sara (friend from sa/ny trip), her boyfriend and classmate for the next few days. so glad to see this punk-face, talk about texas and all its amenities and throw wit and banter back and forth. this woman is wonderful and freaking talented. and i get to learn about pasadena, california.

the 'conference' i went to was worthless - but i feel like my attendance was validated due to topics A-C. also, i recognized how extreme, dire and over the top my position in the non-profit in sf is. perhaps i was there to allow the other americorps members to realize they have very little to complain about. 'it could be worse.'

really happy and content. have been for a few weeks now - and it's lovely. moving out of my old apartment has helped me tremendously.

don't you wish this was wittier? yes, yes we all do. ahhh well. that's just too bad, my friends.

hope all is well out there -
jen.

what la song should i quote?

blogging from the apple store in l.a. - free internet is tops

with sara punk escamilla and bf *hearts* man, sho - yeeees

extended flight - will return to sf on sat night.

met up with gregory gomez (went to prom with taht jerk). teaching at a middle school in compton, down the street from where the rodney king riots were. skipped my confernece, went to his class and watched him teach. blew me away - his teaching, the school (felt like i was in guatemala), the kids.

la is an ugly little town, but people and excursions making it super sweet.

bye bye

sometimes splurging pays off

i spent the day wandering from my place to and along haight street, and then far far away to the land of independent movie theatres - which is a good distance from my house. my legs ache a bit. and when i told my housemates where i had gone, the looked at me in wonder and disbelief. so i walked a ton today, but it has been compensated for by the ridiculous amount of meat stew, cornbread and mojitos that i inhaled this evening with my housemates (none of whom seem creepy).

fog + glasses = awesome. it was drizzly out for the first time since i arrived, and resuled in this place feeling like portland.

went to see 'the squid and the whale.' highly recommended from this end. wes anderson co-directed it (learned this when watching the credits). mom don't see it, unless you want to freak out.

super freaking excited for a film with sarah silverman called 'jesus is magic.' (note the title for pete's sake). i recognize her from tiny roles (her short bit in 'the aristocrats' was one of the finest in that mess)... and this film looks like it's going to be insanely hilarious/offensive/brilliant. find it, if it's out where you are anytime soon.

i leave on tuesday for 'l.a.' which is still 100% hilarious to me. *pauses and thinks to herself* i go to 'conferences' in 'l.a.' i can't believe this stuff actually happens.

HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEKEND (next to wandering/smiling constantly during said wandering):

i decided to spend money and see 'the squid and the whale.' i then thought to myself 'f it. i want popcorn, and i'm going to buy some,' which i stood in line to do(i never do this, so you know). weeehhhhheeeell, they had a trivia contest a-happenin'. first patron in line who answered some question correctly wins free popcorn. question posed: 'when was the first recorded visual documentation of a live giant squid?' thank god for previous blog entries about busty, breasty under-the-sea creatures. although i kinda felt like a dorky jeopardy contestant, free popcorn relieved me of all concerns about appearances to my hipster sf film watching cohort. and i stuffed my face during the lovely film. lame, lame yes i am lame.

wish you were here to see this mess with me. really. this whole things is dreamlike sometimes. especially the roofs and lights and conversations. not sure how i got here. and will be treating the rest of my stay here as a journey through a foreign country. miss you.

the foot has been slammed down.

i had a rather hostile confrontation with my 'boss' yesterday. complicated, but basically demanded to be able to work outside of the office at least half of the time. being that my job requires me to write, constantly, i get little done when im sitting in my office box and end up writing in cafes an additional 30 hours a week. (this resulting in between 70-80 hours/week). i don't think i would mind working that much if this was something that i wanted to do for the rest of my life, or i was getting paid more than 750 a freaking month, but i refuse to live an insane lifestyle for any longer. anyway, he was kind of an ass to me - told me that americorps was an entry into 'the corporate world' and i should 'deal' - but i told him that was a total joke, especially given the context of my job and the ridiculous financial situation the non-profit is in. may have to look for a second job soon. the monetary situation is simply becoming ludicrous.

i am going to see the detroit cobras this saturday, so help me god.

painting on my roof. freaking sweet. been waking up at 6:30 am so i can catch the sunrise and work frantically for a few hours before busting out the laptop.

coming to san antonio for thanksgiving. praise be for frequent flier miles. feel odd for coming back again - feel like social stigmas are telling me to only go to texas for christmas and grandparents' 50th - but screw it. i miss my family and diane and friends and texas and sitting on the living room couch in san antonio. and i do not want to eat tuna and/or hang out with kids i hardly know on spanksgiving.

time to continue listening to a lovely family speak mandarin as i write yet another grant. and its beautiful here today. beeeeaaaauuuuuuutiful.

no theme here

this one's long, so i have bolded key words so you can skim through this bit if you'd like. welcome.

i just received an email from a friend i worked with at magnolia cafe telling me she has decided to stay on her 3 month 'visit' to india for at least 3 more years. she's studying ashram, and says she's found 'it' - that 'it' that many people look for and never find, and i actually believe her. i don't think she's crazy, or following some insane scheme. and she isn't the crazy yoga im at peace oooooommmmm type that you may be imagining. just normal/wierd/awesome. so people do this? move to india to study yoga, 'find themselves' and stay there? it seems this is part of her story anyway.

reading 'on the road' is probably the worst thing i could be doing to myself right now. i've been spending my free time following the characters' routes on the various maps i keep in my room for emergencies.

work is stifling my brain functions. i do not want to be a grant writer when i grow up. i abhor the word 'implement.'

a balance is hard for me to grab hold to. work is wierd, and now by the time i get off its 100% dark outside - so far less wandering the streets than earlier on. no complaints. i just feel wierd here sometimes. im in a city of outcasts, and still feel really strange. i'm more 'conservative' than i thought, and super choosy with who i talk with - these factors are making me a different sort of outcast.

bracing for the every popular 'we're just friends' conversation yet a-freaking-gain. tiiiiiiiiired of thiiiiis. why does the thought of a boyfriend freak me out? why am i picky beyond my wildest dreams?

going to l.a. next week, and really looking forward to seeing some punk named sara and a long-lost middle/high school companion named greg. will, come to sf for pete's sake. here the hella in real life.

i miss all of you and have to avoid blogging because it's taking over my life. i heart you people, dammit. don't make me beg for comments.