all ties are severed. finally.

ok so i really need to get paid more. i am serious. this is getting ridiculous. i work a ridiculous amount, though granted only 40 of it is paid - and not at minimum wage. ive been doing so much pro bono work lately - and in the soon future - yes!

in previous/next few weeks:
1) writing bio pages for a friend who was just nominated by the NAACP as Woman of the Year for California. um hello she's amazing. i just emailed it to her. hope it isnt crap.
2) t-shirt model for local magazine. dog-boy sure is trying hard.
3) record label work, but i enjoy the crap out of this part so its fine
4) have altered/reviewed 5 resumes
5) couchsurfing is flooding my inbox with emails, proposals and ideas they want me to review - organize - punch in the face. oh did i just say punch in the face? oh im sorry. could it be because im tired of the emails? hmm. bless their hearts though, they're really trying to get the money to pay me/my medical insurance next year.

and have i mentioned lately that in no way do i want to do any sort of fund development work next year because i hate it? even though its my only "skill" apparently. (please mom, nolists forthelove nolists).

(addition: my friend being lauded by the n double acp is a woman named teri. i may have mentioned her before - pretty much awwwesome - works w the kids i teach the SAT courses to, met her in L.A., is doing americorps as well and on top of that founded an organization that supports self-esteem programs for teenage girls in oakland).

* * *

i feel overwhelmed, but realistically its also due to: 1) old foreigners and 2) new flatmates.

* * *

so we have chosen a new housemate and his name is eric. he is the most all-american, normal-looking person in all of san francisco. 22, fresh outta dartmouth with a studio art degree, working at an architecture firm. he gets really excited about wired magazine and public transportation and our roof. he's just really really happy all of the time. was i that tiny and naive at 22? oh no i was bitter and jaded, thats right. but seriously i just want to pet him all the time or be his mother. it's real cute, though dave (one of the other housemates) is afraid he's going to slap him due to his seemingly absurd amount of innocence and naivety.

so yet again, i live in a House of Men - though this ones much different from the austin abode. oh dear fielding baxter the third and the incessant sarong wearing.

telling the other people they couldnt live w us was really wierd though: one woman got freaking emotional, others were silent on the phone for numerous seconds then reassuring me, in a whisper, "oooooh im fine. dont worry. im fine" *whisper whisper* - geeeez. finding an apt in this city is madness. i am lucky as sin.

weekend will be long, full of teaching and reading and stacey turning 30-ing.

glad all is over for a bit for just about all of you.

prepostions, other tiny words and love,

jen

todo es por algo

if/when you visit me (again), you will hear me say two things over and over:

1) this city is my boyfriend (and it is - even though i feel it has a more feminine persona).
2) the 360 views from my roof never looks the same - the sky is constantly changing its colors due to the weather, time of day, mood of the city. and i love it. every time i go up there, it's new and awe-inspiring (yes it inspires the awe). and this quells my adhd - ha

luciano y cris left this morning, and im throwing myself in the same tactic i take on everytime a visitor leaves. its the same sort of mindset id throw myself into when i would leave/enter a new city during my trip last summer. "ok, that was fantastic - and i will miss the places, people and moments when i would learn new things, but this is another step, another part of my journey (literally and figuratively). let's do this." sounds ridiculous, but it kept me sane through all the crap i had to endure/beauty i experienced.

its great to have travelers come through here bc i feel like i am a part of their experiences in new and neat places. is that selfish? that and the visitors that come here and stay w me are always lovely and im able to have constant hang out time.

dont want to talk about work. my outside projects are accruing at an exponential rate. i dont like laptops. i want to garden. i miss my family desperately. im looking forward to april, but less so to the return to sf (yet another dive into the aforementioned mindset). i love this freaking city. i have listened to "jacksonville" by sufjan stevens approximately 189x in the previous month. it's pretty much my theme song, less in lyrics, more in the happy melody.

and i have decided to purchase 1-3 willie nelson album(s).

hope all is well out there. a few of you are (still) enduring some serious school mess - and i am thinking of you.

love love love

jen

"yeah. that was a big night. yeah."

hello darlings,

first off, the comments posted on the previous entry make me want to print them out and tape them next to my windows and my "things to get movin' and soon" list. thank you. wholeheartedly. why do i have the most wonderful friends ever.

i assure you i have not been moping since thursday. after a couple of nights of just freaking being by myself - yeeees - the madness started up again, which this time i was better prepared for, due to sufficent jen-time.

* * *

my housemates and i are in the midst of a full-on hard-core flatmate search. we had two open houses this weekend. the people entering our home represent the whole of the humanbeingspectrum. one huge dude with a huge beard brought us a case of beer he brewed. a 35 year old woman w pink dreadlocks who quit her job as a corporate lawyer after 7 yrs at some fancy ass lawfirm in manhattan, now running AIDS charities and is a certified masseuuuuueuse. another is the chief editor of "Star Wars Insider" ('the official' star wars magazine - he freaking works w lucas films, etc). but we will see. onward.

* * *

you know that vh1 show "the greatest week ever" - not sure if its on anymore or not, but surely stace should be given the nod for this one. geeeeeez. she had 6 interviews last week, and just signed with SWA - pretty much the sweetest landscape architecture firm, and were talking in the world here. http://www.asla.org/awards/2005/medals/awarded/swa.htm - seriously its like a top ten architecture business or something. and they focus on sustainability, socially aware work. i'm seriously incredibly, incredibly proud of her. oh and of course it makes me feel a little worthless, but i shall live vicariously through her and she will cook me good meals, and i will clean the dishes.

and i spoke with her frankly about being hired to work at ruby x (record label). really it would just be wierd. so instead i will do what i can for awesome meals cooked by stacey. i've always preferred bartering over capitalism. amanda - i too apparently only follow the direction of my stomach.

* * *

and i have noticed that i am increasingly enjoying, seeking out even, reasons to get all dolled up for night-time events. i am a tom-boy for sure, but i really like dressing up now. like, a lot, not that im that good at it. i kinda feel like a tom-boy transvestite. and i really like dressing glam. um i know sorry.

* * *

more photos (same epoch, different camera):
luv luv luv rudy and steph

bc they rock


stacey plus parasol equals authority.

the world is at my fingertips


you should see rudy when he's "getting his game, on, etc"

cristiano makes that face in nearly every photo taken of him, which is fiiiiine. but i still like this photo a lot.





the king and queen of the castro, with their bounty




my couch for a week.




pensive. and umimissyou.










ok i just went photo crazy. ah! its just that i miss you a lot and want you to see everything. ugh.

irrelevant, illogical updates:
1) i adore the SAT course i teach on saturday in pittsburgh (hour away on train). the students told me yesterday that they want me to teach the math section as well. um hi i think they're fantastic and im so thankful i learned ghetto slang before the course started. i hope they're learning something though.
2) italians are coming back tomorrow before their final departure on tuesday (i think). faaaantastic.
3) still on "the milagro beanfield war" with no end in the near future. i'm thrilling.

love you a lot- jen.

the value of will power

it is so very tempting to use this thing to complain, to moan or to wonder if i will ever be able to carry on a relationship past the first trimester.

so i'm going to dabble in it now. my will power is not that strong.

i have been in a crap mood most of the day - bless amanda for enduring intermittent grumbles and grouses on the hour, every hour.

if you're a dyyyude, you may not want to read onward. might i recommend moby's blog instead? he's super funny: http://moby.com/journal

when all that stupid health stuff started - i found myself increasingly wanting a "boy who was more than a friend" in my life. i wanted someone to help me. and i promised that i would help them too. i wanted to work with them, to laugh with them, to really get to know someone. we would persevere together. we would kick total ass. i was tired of being 100% independently strong. why am i attempting to circumvent the truth: get rid of the past tense. those thoughts still remain.

supposedly, the "trick" is to not look for it. um hi i've been not looking for it for 3 years and nothing has shown its pretty face. if it does, two weeks and ive had it. and im out.

so i dont know how to meet boys, esp out of the school context. we dont have mutual friends. i met you at a coffee shop - and Lord knows when i'll see you again - so you should ask me for my number, or i should ask for yours. but "wait thats too fast. what does this boy/girl want?! i don't want something super serious. and its obvious this girl/boy does - hence the phone number request. eh. next."

i don't think i'm bitter. i don't think i'm particularly jealous of the women who've had 2+ boyfriends in one year, hell, one even.

and im really not looking, im just hoping - shit, wondering if ill ever be in a context allowing me to meet someone even more than kind of cool.

i'm tired of being strong. am i strong? and of being "mysterious." do i have too many stories? am i too smart for you? too straight-forward? are the bags under my eyes enormous? am i wierd? like, really wierd? do i intimidate you - somehow i doubt that old wives tale - thhat story that women tell each other. why do women (talking about straight ones here, and yes i suppose the gay ones too) love me but boys hit the road - though i hit the road too - because they arent enough of the aforementioned adjectives.

am i too much? have i done too much?

this is seriously not a request for 56 compliments. i just felt like revealing to everyone who (even secretly) reads this how much of a ridiculous person i am sometimes. and i just feel out of sorts. and thought maybe this would help it go away. though doubtful. i'll probably just think of something wicked cool to at write about and post it quickly and early tmorrow morning. i can't let this thing stay at the top for too long.

can anyone say giiiirlly jouuuurnal.

love love love,

jen

pink is the word

i am here to brag about the ridiculous things my family is a part of. little wonder we are related.

this is what my father did to my dog:

the damn thing may be purple in celebration of the easter holiday. and mom swears the pookah's grown attached to her new shade. apparently, it's part of her identity now. lord almighty.

* * *

completely unrelated: everything was pink when i walked out of work yesterday evening. hard to explain, easier to paint, well maybe. there was a really subtle fog throughout the streets, over roofs, etc. and being it was sunset-ish, the pink hue flooded through the city. all of the walls, buildings and people's white clothes looked pink-ish. i can tell you don't believe me. it's fine.

* * *

feeling out of sorts - need to get back into a routine - the last two months have been total madness - so looking forward to getting back into "the swing"..."of things"

fantastic heath update: there is nothing harmful in or around my liver. yeeeeees.

radiance: i did laundry this morning and i missed you tremendously. if only you could have helped me tote that mess around. argh. i miss you a lot.

take care, please - jen.

there's no need for fluff

good day and hello and yes.

the big week comes to an end. luciano and cristiano left early-face this morning. (though they will be back for a bit next week before they head back). i adore them, but im looking forward to catching up on jen-life-things.

strangely enough, i have grown quite close to those 2. i only stayed w them for a week in napoli, they were here for a week oooohh sooo and ive been in fairly constnat email communication w luciano. but perhaps 24 hour hang-out for that increment of time forces people to get to know one another pretty quickly. anyway.

should have worked today, but of course slept fo-eva and lounged my face off. stace cooked freaking excellent food for me tonight - and we were able to catch up, chat, etc in her 'sweet pad.' i'm really proud of that woman. she just got job offers from two super amazing architecture firms, super high level positions to boot. so i will be The Poor One yet again. i swear i am always the poor one.

though i have begun to look for work for aug/july. more grass rootsy offers: stacey's offered to hire me to run her record label and couchsurfing wants me to be their fund development person next year (inc medical and paid travel to montreal and to burning man - what priorities). ive been glancing other 'more official' opps out there - which has been, um, real neat-o. especially since i dont have any skills at all, other than 'is willing/able to eat tuna/broccoli all the time to survive in expensive cities' and 'is a decent storyteller.' geez. why dont i have any skiiiiills.

yao is moving out, which breaks my fairly enormous heart. i will miss her and it sucks. i will also miss the free baked goods she provides me each weekend. this week, nathan (one of two other housemates) and i have to peruse through countless emails to look for the third best housemate one could hope for. (di youre first, yes). our craigslist posting has been up for about 24 hours, and we've received OVER SEVENTY FREAKING EMAILS - which is understandable since our flat is so super sweet and cheap. we've decided to have an open house and interviews - same process i had to go through to get the spot. as nathan-dearest says, "people like me. they really really like me."

this is the most exciting part of this entry, at least for my dorky ass. i'm 450+ pages into a 650 pg+ book, and i'm really glad its not over yet. ive never read a book this long - and im so happy that i love it as much as i do. its entitled "milagro beanfield war" - geography prof from grad school (for mario: paul) recommended it a looong time ago - and i recently saw it on the Streets That are My Malls so picked it up for a buck. theres a bit in 'the alchemist' when the main character talks about lovinng big books because they a) last longer and b) make better pillows. i finally know what he's talking about.

and oh my god i saw jose gonzalez last night - was only able to catch the last part of the show - but it was awwwwesome + incredible = knocked me on my ass. i was in near tears, but perhaps that was partially due to lack of sleep. though i doubt it, because he's awwwwesome.

ok so im boring. looking forward to being back, so to speak, so i can talk on im with you again. ha -

love love love

jen

a dark-blue cropped wig, please.

i got a roll of 36 developed. God speed with patience and diligence when viewing the heap of photos below. included: seattle + cousins, heather and The Palace, seeeeester and los italianos.

the monster godson creeps from the cave.


alas. not snow, but laundry detergent in a fountain in front of a seattle starbucks.


largely inedible, though strangely delish beef jerky.


with heather, couchsurfing fiend and owner, who's trying desperately to a) hire me next year and b) suck me into her crazy-freak-though-awesome world. she will teach me how to costume. it is an art. ask my brother.


this is what happens when you sit for 30 minutes on a roof that has just been coated in tar. favorite jeans! ruined.


beth, stace, christiiiiiiano and luciiiiiaaaaano - all lovely - but sister tops them all.


... plus me.


dave really wants to be a sembera.


i can see why she's upset.


which is which


salida del sol. el fin. excellent photo, radiance.


i had the. most. amazing. time with my sister. it was really the first time we've spent that much time together in at least 8 years - and she's absolutely fantastic. she is an overwhelmingly outstanding individual - and i love and miss her. please come back please come back.

luciano and christiano in my house is resulting in additional maddness and 'you must me lying, jen' stories. yesterday: they were trapped in the castro for 5 hours due to torrential rain storm. so they went to bars. since luciaaaano is one of the most beautiful creatures in the existence of humankind, he was hit on by 8 men. EIGHT MEN. so christiano (who knows very very little english) chanted all night, at every bar we went to, while pointing at luciano - "the kiiiiing *italiant hand gesture* of the caaaaaaa*italianhandgesture*stro." lord almighty. but the interesting thing is, i dont think luciano minded it all. woe is me - ha

the stories accrue. i am tired, so very very tired - but having a maddening, wonderful time. hopefully those two adjectives continue.

so very not looking forward to my workload next monday. *cringes*

miss you all! for realz.

aged to perfection

hello to all. sorry for being oh so very MIA. the past weekend has been chaos, with more to follow in the upcoming week.

Seeeester:
my sister, beth, is here (currently sitting next to me in cafe) - and i am SOOOO GLAAAAD THAT SHE IS HEEEERE. geez. i never get to hang out with her - amidst her school and my wandering around and neither of us ever being at my parents house.

we've been exploring the city a lot, and wearing ourselves out in the process. i can only hope she's having a good time here.

my poor sister has had the quintessential sf experience: homeless people wandering into art galleries asking if this was really a porn house, more homeless people being really pushy for change, meeting my crazy friends and dramatic weather changes every 34 minutes.

Unrelated and Amusing True Life Tale:
yesterday afternoon, i was standing outside of a cafe talking to a new daddy about his super cute newborn baby girl. the new daddy owned an suv of a stroller, which took up a lot of the sidewalk space - with his baby girl inside. as we were chatting, a super old osteorporsisohis style man came hobbling along with his daughter, who was assisting him via arm-hold. aaaaahhaha - so as the man passed by, he kicked the shit out of the stroller - growling and grumbling as he passed. (seriously, i've never seen anyone put so much effort forth in a kick before, and i played soccer). his daughter immediately goes, "dad!! there's a baby inside of there!" he was immediately apologetic to the new daddy - oh i'm sorry im so sorry! - but then turns to me and goes, "well dammit, it was in my f*ckin' way." aaaaaaaahahhah -

the new daddy was super kind about it - we just laughed and stared with disbelief at each other with huge grins on our faces. why are old people so awesome.

Mario = Hearts
a bloggish shout out to mario who sent me a freaking mix-tape last week, unexpected-style. and it's totally lovely. yeeees. mario: thank you and payback will be super sweet. i'm thinking of you over the next few weeks.

In Summation
i have done, like, no work in the previous 5 days - and won't get anything done in the next five. ha - the aftermath is going to be disgusting.

more soon. considering strep last week, subsequent heaps of work and visitors galore, i really hope i can actually keep my brain intact this week. beth and luciano and christiano (they're people. i can't keep calling them "the italians" for the love) have a night of overlap - and i have to work this week so help me. hope all is well - jen.

take my hand, and i will follow

ok so magnet was super fantastic. i can't believe he's one person, or that he isn't a figment of my wild n crazy imagination. that boy helped me (and i believe one or two others) through some tough stuff while at the bcs metroplex. the music made me remember a lot - but also recognize how fortunate i am.

and of course another example of why rudy is lovely/ a godsend: while i was listening to isobel campbell, assessing whether or not i "dug" her - rudy got magnet man to sign a poster for me. he basically told him my life story and said i would really appreciate it, etc - and rudy gave it to me when i was done with my "assessment." i dont care about getting stuff signed, etc - its pretty ridiculous - but it was super sweet being it came from rudy and i love magnet a lot so i dont care if its silly.

Note: If one has to "assess" whether they like a band, it means that they do not like said band.

i am back to work. thought i missed it, but alas i do not. the next few days will be packed with all work, no play - being that beth + italians are coming in a few days and i would like to frolick as much as possible upon their arrival. so my face will be stuck in front of a computer screen/SAT prep book until sunday afternoon.

attached are some siiiiiick photos that i stole from a high school friend, of course, from myspace. they are siiiiick, but inevitably comical.

love youz.

good times roll

celina took photos of me while at work last week, and i look freaking ridiculous but i wanted to lower the whine-whine-im-sick-waah entry.

i am goofy.




w my new best friend

an enormous hand to face ratio and the infamous puppy dog eyes











my fever is gone (yeees) and my throat, though it still hurts, doesnt incite tears upon swallowing anymore - but that just may be the codeine - ha. thanks to all who called, imed, emailed or visited me during the previous few days. it meant a lot to me - thanks...

i am determined to get all better by tonight so i can go see papercuts (local i think), magnet (yes THE norwegian magnet) and isobel campbell (recently departed from b&seb). i will report back on the show bc for the love, i will go to this show. i dont care if i wear 8 hoodies and am drinking gatorade or soup out of a thermos all night. i am determined. it will happen.

and this myspace thing is getting out of hand. not in the 'it's taking over my life' way, but its allowing me to recognize how stupid small this world is and it's creeping me out.

i liked philip seymour hoffman before you liked philip seymour hoffman

hello loves -

i had a big weekend, only for things to come crashing down yesterday afternoon. my throat started feeling bad right before the oscars started, and by 3 am i started to cry every time i swallowed.

so this morning i wobbled 6 blocks to my doctors office and was told i had strep throat. awwwesome. the pain is seriously excrutiating. thankfully i have injested heaps of codeine so am kind of numb to it (ie. can swallow w/out tearing up).

supposedly this mess will last for at least three days, which is ideal timing considering sister comes on sunday (yeeeees!!) and boys from naples who i couchsurfed with come next wednesday. i really hope im better before beth arrives for i miss and love her and want to feel 100% when she gets here.

the hardest part about being way far away is the alone-ness factor. its been so difficult to head to the doctor/hospital an average of 3 times per week or to feel super sick (ie. now) without having family around. i miss family so much right now. i am tired of being so freaking 'strong' all the time. BUT my coworker, celina, came over tonight and made me a delicious soup that i was actually able to swallow. an hour or so later, rudy (who is safe and well and wants to return to the philpns) came by with lemons, sprite and advil. i feel really fortunate for having even a small yet totally solid friend-base here.

and i miss drinking water. oh how i miss drinking of the water.

hope all is well out there. i had better stories, but codeine and tearful swallows are most prominent in my small and at times malfunctioning brain at the moment.

oh! and i nearly teared up when philip s.h. won the best actor oscar last night. seriously, go see 'capote' - the film is good, but he did one of the best acting jobs ive seen in the previous 5 years of film.

miss you guys a lot!! love love love.

the imagery update

being i do not own a functional digital camera, this is the way it will roll for a while. here are heaps of photos to compensate for the wordy, boring things my blogs have been lately:

they love each other, they really really do.

* * *

proving to all just how perfect the best gift ever actually was/is. (thank you diane. thank you).

* * *

irish derek feels truly beautiful now. you can see it in his face. see?

* * *

the most ridiculous friends a girl could ask for

* * *

this is jun (vstr from new zealand/uk), and the nice lady who gave us free crab. whaaaaaat a niiiiiice ladeeeee. *fist in air*

* * *

w the man who pretended to be a bush and abruptly proved to us that he was, in fact, not a bush - resulting in jen and jun jumping 2 feet from the ground - and jen yelling/cursing from shock and scaring all tikes under the age of 11 t/o all of fisherman's wharf. i then gave him a dollar.

* * *

dad fixing my plants. :)

* * *

this is what i look like all the time, pigtails + constantly radiating light. (partial sweet view from window, stage left)

* * *

wasnt there a posting a few months/eons back about what dreams about teeth falling out means? what do they? im having them constantly.

miss you kids a lot.