who should we mock now?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MAAAAAAAARIO!!!

i love you, and am so proud of everything you've accomplished in the previous 3 years.

there are few people in this world one is given the opportunity to laugh wholeheartedly with more than 89 times. mario is one these kids in my life, and one of my greatest gifts.

i heart mario.

the pink triangle

it HAS been a while, hasn't it.

mi disculpa for staying away for oh so very long. i had a big (and fun) weekend, followed shortly thereafter by a major case of the "oh-my-gosh-i-have-so-much-to-do-before-july-21st-and-i-am-subsequently-unemployed"sss on monday.... so i have been pretty much outta touch with any and everything for a while.

first is worst, second is best... soooo....

* * *

FIRST is the WORST:

i have a lot on my plate right now, which is fine. and this all hit me two days ago, which is also fine. this is a short list (without details):

1) ENORMOUS "To-Do" lists for both Americorps and Peer Court jobs
2) two huge medical bills were for some reason not covered, so figuring out what went wrong requires me to call various message machines to locate a magical request form for a request form for a request form. seriously.
3) i am trying to postpone loan payback, which requires a similar process as above.
4) my subsequent phone bill is gargantuan
5) i have to find an "immediate" job starting end of july (e.g. restaurant, cafe) because i would really really really like to pay for rent in august and september
6) i have/want to find a "real" job starting as soon after that as i can
7) 6) requires me to save money to buy a computer
8) grad school research for next year. oh how this doesn't look very realistic.

though it would be sooooo much easier to move back to san antonio after this (like, soooooo), i really want to stay here longer. i will achieve this goal, so help me blank-blank. but july is going to be rough, fo sho.

* * *

SECOND is the BEST:

last weekend was awwwwwwwesome. during the day on saturday, my housemates and i took a field trip to a suuuuuper sweeeeeet asian grocery store in another neighborhood. i felt like i was in korea or some mess for about an hour. i walked outta that place totally freaked out, with freshly-brains-smashed-in-front-of-my-face catfish in one bag and lychees in another. wiiiierd and awesome.

last weekend was "gay pride" festival, so saturday night... my two gay housemates, one straight and i went out to celebrate and i haven't danced my behind off like that in many a decade. about 15 blocks were barracaded for a night-long dance-festorama. also wierd and awwwwwesome.

sunday i sat on my roof all day. i drank beer. i read books. i chatted with housemates. really, not sure if life is better than that.

sunday night: danced behind off again, this time to bluegrass/johnnycashesqe musica at the bar thats nearest and dearest to my heart. and the boys there were all awesome because they dressed in 20s/30s garb and POLITE. (these two factors are apparently two of the many required keys to my heart. oh! and that you're male).
which leads me to....

* * *

i suppose the wierdest part of the weekend was that one of my friend-girls here told me that she was, and i quote, "falling for me." *stares at the computer screen* how did i handle this? oh i just pretended that i didnt hear her, and continued chatting about something else. i turn the straight girls around apparently. (it wasn't stacey. praise be).

* * *

i'll try to be better about all this updating mess... these long ones are, well, just too long for the both of us.

oh! my friend reena from grad school at ut as well as india/arizona/hawaii/boston is coming on saturday night!!!! yeeeeees. i havent seen her in a year and a half and i heart her. she is secretly escaping her 9 month ph.d. research stint in india for a month-long u.s. vacation and san francisco is (fortunately for me) one of her stopping points. so yes reena on saturday yes.

* * *

I MISS YOU GUYS A LOT. like, a freaking lot. i hope all is well out there...

jen

what does a girl have to do to get a little AC up in this piece!!

um hello it's freaking HOT here. just when i told san diego kids, "oh it neeeeever gets above, like, 70" it gets super freaking hot. the previous two days have been composed of the denizens of san francisco sweating like crazy, taking ANOTHER shower, or bouncing from place to place trying to find someplace, ANY PLACE, with freaking air-conditioning.

and for pete's sake i just checked weather.com and it's only 78. SEVENTY. EIGHT. this city's going to fall apart if it hits 85. i swear weather.com must be wrong.

why am i a baby all of the sudden. i endured 100+ degrees foreva when in texas. now i cry at 80. but i swear it would be different if my bedroom didnt feel like a sauna upon entry or i could get into an airconditioned car and drive with the windows rolled up.

and where did all of my shorts go!!! WHY DONT I HAVE ANY SHORTS

things have been loooeveeely since i got back from san diego. hung out with rudy (praise be!!), have sat around and done nothing and have been captivated by the kill bill films.

ok anyway. now for rambling... it's a bit outta synch with usual blogarama, but meh.

* * *


a month from yesterday will be my last day at the credit union job. i really havent been worried about what happpens after, but it seems that since i got back from san diego, every single one of my family members (minus beth and paul - i heart you kids for understanding me, at least trying really hard to and i love you) has been on me about what my EXACT PLAN is starting july 22, 2006. well, everyone: i just don't know and i'm ok with it. perhaps i seem like a disorganized, goal-less slacker who doesnt give herself enough credit or a hippy or crazy or unrealistic or something... but the thing is, i'm really happy in san francisco so i'm going to stay here for a bit longer... things will work out, i've dealt with far worse things, and.... might i emphasize again.... I AM HAPPY. this is big news from the girl who cried her eyes out throughout her time in college station adn one year following. i have a bit of money saved (amazingly) due to the peer court job, have health insurance covered, so things are a-ok.

i miss so many of you so very much, it's sick. things are getting harder for me in that respect. i wish you were here or i was there all the time. i can feel myself wanting to get back there soon - but not just yet. i feel i have more to do here, or something.

perhaps that was a wierd, misplaced paragraph but... family does read this and i want them to understand a bit of that - and if not, that's ok too.

i guess i'm just trusting in time or something.

ugh i know that was all really wierd, but i'm just growing weary of all the judgements and questions and subsequent frustration. this will probably only worsen it, but that's fine.

* * *

OH! i havent wrote this yet, but will's apartment is an exact replica of his place in college station. seriously dudes. it was triiiiiippy. now and then, i felt like i was in the metroplex again and it wierded me out. really it just made me wish bri-bri or reid-o would walk through the door.

* * *

i love you guys a lot. i miss you guys a lot. and to DIANE PATREEEESSIA ARNAOUT AND ALL DOCTORS: iamveryproudofyou and goooood luuuuck!!

beautiful people holding hands

what up

so, uh, san diego was/is awesome. it was so good to see will, to hang out with kevin, to meet will's cohort (part of it at least) and to see my friend leonard who's living in l.a. why is san diego so lovely. why do i love my peer court job so much. why is my boss and (one of my) coworker(s) so freaking fantastic.

i also was able to hang out with my grandparents this morning, and i love them a lot. really, that is all i can say about that. oh and that i miss them and at times kick myself for moving so freaking far away.

so i am back to my "reality" of life that is momentarily san francisco. i still heart my roof a whole heck of a lot, and missed my walks around the city - though frightfully, my disillusionment with the credit union job is hitting me pretty full on super quickly - but ONE MONTH FROM WEDNESDAY and i am finished. praise be.

this also means i am closely approaching being in sf one year, which is wee-ehhrd.

i would like to say that my co-worker celina is one of the strongest women in my life. good grief. i hung out with that woman this afternoon, and FOR THE LOVE, you think YOUVE gone through some shit. i dont mean to compare. but for reals. i am trying even harder to not take tooo much for granted, and to recognize there is more to everyone that you see walking/driving along the streets.

below are photos from my credit union/americorps conference in north carolina:

front and centerish are leland and jennifer. they are brilliant human beings, and gave a presentation that dreams are made of.


in this one i am surrounded by my fellow disillusioned americorps volunteers from across the country. samantha, super awesome friend from the bronx, is in pink sitting next to me. we all look like we're going to punch someone (aaahhahah - esp the kids farthest to the right), which is fairly descriptive of our credit union conference experiencia.

miss you kids a lot. hope all is well!! love love

harbors and hearings

hello my dearestes,

currently in san diego and it is freaking nice. the weather is as close to perfect as possible: i actually RAN for the first time in a year, because of the lack of hills, zero humidity and not having to wear 18 sweatshirts. i'm staying in a fancy-pants hotel, and have a gorgeous view from my 21st story roof.

and the conference is actually a good one. i can't believe it. i feel like i've gleaned a tremendous amount from the workshops and people i've met. i can't believe it (and i wrote this to my mom), but i think my progressive, liberal self has actually found a program to invest my time into that is bi-partisan and EFFECTIVE. youth courts are popping up all over the country, and it really feels like the movement's in a position to receive secure, long-term assistance at political levels, beyond the city - there's talk in california of taking a few bucks from traffic tickets and gearing them towards youth courts; the federal govt is helping to organize a national level association and may transform this movement into one more in the public eye (similar to the anti-drug pish in the early 90s).

anyway so thats exciting, and i really like my staff in san francisco - but of course i still dont know if im going to get hired on again in august so thats neat.

but back to san diego: this place is lovely. the ocean seems like it's everywhere, the locals are etremely kind (though ditsy at times - but whatev). and seriously the women here are BEAUTIFUL. i've never seen so many beautiful women in one place before.

and my dreams came true: i was able to drink a few beers with will and it was lovely. HE is lovely. ill be staying with him tonight/tmor nights, so thats obviously super sweet (at least for me).

so i'm here for a bit more. it looks like my friend leonard who i couchsurfed with in edinburgh may drive down from l.a. on sunday to kick it tooooo. yeeeees. and upon my return to sf, i get to see my grandparents are visiting the bay area for a while. YEEEEEEES. when eeeet rains, eeeeet pours :)

miss you kids. a lot. and diane and doctors: only a few more days...

WHY AM I A MORON

i am locked inside the freaking peer court building (where i work). tony is in freaking new york. i am trapped. the alarm was just ringing for about 35 minutes directly into my right eardrum, a little less so in my left but NONETHELESS. WHY AM I A MORON.

tony (nicest man on planet) has called another co-worker, who can't come here for another hour, minimum. but he's coming. at least i think.

oh and my cell phone isn't working. that's real neat.

WHY AM I A MORON.

the land where one fashions one's own hula-hoop

man oh man is north carolina beautiful. though i stayed in a super dreary city called durham for the conference, i was able to stay with my friend laura another night/2 days in chapel hill - and MAN that place is PRETTY. enormous trees everywhere, everything was super green. laura and her husband chris (who she met a few weeks before we left for mexico) just bought a cute little house in chapel hill. they're rennovating everything: installing sinks, replacing ceiling fans, you name it - and all on their own... it's pretty cool. both their current apartment and future house are surrounded by huge green spaces/forests a 2 minute stroll away, where one can hike, walk dogs, explore - i was blown away.

laura just graduated with an m.a. in planning, and her program is seriously piquing my interest. unc has a double masters program integrating planning and public health, focusing generally on how cities can be built in order to improve the physical well-being of individuals (e.g. increased walkability, more bikelanes, etc). it sounds awwwesome. yet another program i will be looking into... but i really love sf... not sure if i want to leave in another year...

anyway, hanging out with laura was freaking fantastic. we havent seen each other in years, and we chatted like crazy the entire time. chapel hill and carboro are super cute towns, fairly liberal (e.g. the cities dont allow drive-thrus)... and there are loads of hippies everywhere. but they arent austin hippies. there are more folk singers and hula-hoopers... they seem more earthy, or genuine, or something.

anyway, the previous 2 days in nc were lovely. for the next few days i will be hanging out with stacey's friends visiting from australia, a woman i was in fish camp with who found me on myspace and packing for san diego.

diane i love you. LOVE. YOU.

it seems that the blogging on everyone's parts has scaled down quite a bit, perhaps to due to time allowed to write, perhaps due to disinterest. either way, i'm sticking with it. it's the only means i have to keep up with the majority of you who are oh so far away. hope that's ok.

love love love

jen

let me tell you about "rural"

hello to my dearestes -

i am in rural north carolina and am bored out of my mind. it's like the metroplex - town hall + big trees. but i don't have to live here for 4 years, so i'm fine. although most of the kids here seem to deserve a swift slap to the left face cheek, i've met some pretty incredible ones - some telling me stories of what it was like to be a woman and shave her head (she said she'd never do it again) and others talking about how they live on the same amount of money i make but ALSO raise a 6 year-old. yep.

why are conferences so boring? seriously. if anyone ever goes to an entertaining/ interesting conference, tell me about it. i have been to approximately 89 bajillion of them, and they kill me. except for 0.00004% of the people i meet. but that's probably the point. the "networking" - bleeeh

i'll be in durham (where duke university is) for 2 more nights, then chapel hill with laura (travelling pal from mexico). cant wait to see her. then sf for a few minutes, followed by san diego. ooooooh. saaaaan dieeeeego. i'm pretty stoked for that.

but for now i'll just enjoy the super tall trees towering around me everywhere i go.

love you guys. miss you guys. for the love.

non-gender-specific fraternal luuuuv

my brother is blunt, i am dry and we are amazing.

so glaaaaaad that i talked to him for two hours.

and my sister is a genius and i love her and im not just saying that.

finding my lights curve

hello allzzzz,

in the previous month, 8 people have brought the following personality quirk/ characteristic to my attention (usually without my prompting):

i am bold. i am blunt. pretty much always.

the majority of kids were positive about it - my friends seem to adore it... but i feel like i may be getting a little tooooo bold (i'm turning into the honest drunk girl. this is bad. very very bad).

i mean the bluntness isn't going to go away entirely. i know this... but it needs to be held in check a bit more.

so anyway, i'm trying to strike the balance of being forthright, but holding back when necessary. maybe travelling did this to me, perhaps its because i hold quite a bit in at work - who knows - but apparently my fantastic-beyond-belief-brother-paul is exactly the same way, and also had to deal with this recognition a lot last week too. so i am not alone.

i also curse a lot. like, a lot. my mom used to get mad at me about it, but i blew her off. then the italians noted it, commenting on how funny it was - but i just thought it was because they were "foreign." then two housemates noted it - and for the love its true. i have a gaggle of sailors living inside my mouth, i think.

so anyway i guess i've been "working on myself" a lot lately, whatever that means. bleh. laaaaaame.

* * *

i leave for north carolina tomorrow. geez this could be an excrutiating week:

flight: i leave at MIDNIGHT, change planes in cincinatti at 4 AM (or does that mean 2) and arrive at 10 AM (7am) - and THEN am expected to attend conferences that i care nothing about the entire day, until saturday

authority: all of my bajillion bosses both on site in sf and in the nationall offices in d.c and l.a are going to be there AT ONCE. i cant wait to frolick with them together and be really nice all the time and super positive and happy!! uuuggggggh

people: celina - thank God she's going too - two of the kids will be there as well - and i will also be staying with samantha, an AMAZING woman i met last year who is from/lives in the bronx - i love these people - but i'm just a bit worried that i'm not going to have a lot of solo time -

super big fat positive note: i get to see laura - who was the first person i ever travelled with abroad (mexico). she just got her m.a. at chapel hill - man, i havent seen that woman in years and am really excited... and ive never been to nc and hear its pretty pretty - so that's hot/"rocks the house."

* * *

there sure was a lotta complaining in this one. see? you should be glad you don't live anywhere near me right now, because man oh man would our friendship be put on hold for a bit - ha -

i love you guys a lot. i wish i could see you so i wouldnt be so crappy-face-mean all the time

jen

books are for dreamers

hello chaps,

i just finished reading i know why the caged bird sings. very very pretty. maya angelou: 1) also fell in the love with the city of san francisco while she lived here, 2) lived in a garbage dump near san diego for a month, 3) was the first black woman to work on the cable cars and 4) has the nickname "maya" because her brother always called her "my" (because she was his - cuuuute). how's that for super sweet trivia.

have moved onto the sun also rises by hemingway, who is increasingly my "favorite" author - even though i hate to have favorite anythings.

also reading the peterson field guide to stars and planets. and DONT GET ME STARTED ON THIS because it's rocking my world and freaking me out. why is this universe eNORmous and ridiculous. i don't want to use the term "universe" anymore. not enough credit, awe and wonder are attached to that word.

* * *

i think the job search bit is freaking me out more than i'd like to believe. americorps ends GLORIOUS JULY 21ST (praise be!!), but it doesn't look like peer court is going to have the funds to hire me in august and the couchsurfing bit only seems stable for about 3 months max (so i'll probably refrain). subsequently, i'm worried.

to illustrate this fear (which is there whether i like it or not it seems), read below. i had the following dream last friday:

__________

i left the states for a 2 week trip to london. while i was gone, either the u.s. government began to exert more authority or another government had taken over, but upon my arrival the entire country was devastated. buildings had been destroyed, pollution had spread over the land coloring everything orange and brown and the trees had been toppled over - flat, desolate space stretched fa/urther than the horizon.

people here seemed different, only in that they didn't care what had happened around them. people i spoke to about the changes had accepted them as part of life. I would hear things like, "I mean, it's a little wierd. But it's not that big of deal."

another change is that individuals were forced to wear little metal pins/buttons (the same things i had to attach to my chest during my heart tests) to their shirts/jackets on their left shoulder. (in reminded me of jews being forced to wear the star of david around their arm). each pin represented a "skill" you had. all "skills" had to be something tangible, something that could benefit the community (i.e. government). Examples: architect, knowing how to build things, computer programmer, physician, etc.

the thing was, if you didn't have a pin you were shot. and the more pins you had, the less likely you would be killed. i KNOW.

and of course, i have no "skills" so did not have a pin.

so throughout the entire dream i clandestinely traveled from state to state, from friend to friend, to see if they could sneak me an extra pin somehow... everyone responded positively, but never really acted upon it... because, you see (yes i just said "you see"), the only people who knew that the pin-less folks would be shot were the ones who didn't have pins.

____________

i never, ever have apocalyptic, "the government is taking over" dreams. actually my dreams usually include a lot of amorphous colors and shapes and sounds - like those spinning things that hang over babies' cradles. (i'm real complex). it's super rare that i dream about people, or have dialogues, or even have particular settings. but this dream spanned 6 months, involved at least 35 individual characters and at least 5 settings. what is wrong with me. it was seriously like a film inside of my head. egads.

* * *

so, uh yeah, i think i'm a little worried about the job search. ya think?

love you guys. i swear its only taking over my dreams, not my i'm wide awake time.

and um, I MISS YOU.

jen