cruxes/cruces are bolded (both are correct)

is everyone certain that chicago should be dubbed The Windy City, because my word the wind here is atrocious. it gusts (seriously, gusts) from all directions; metal tables and huge recycling cans are racing down the streets at record speeds, promting drunken hipsters and street wanderers to cheer while placing bets on the victors. my free umbrella is proving to be next to worthless, but i keep it around in case the wind breaks down to a light mist.

* * *

i am very materialistic, so Monday, February 27th has been a big day for me. first and FOREMOST: i received amanda's slippers to jen in the mail and they fit and they are warm and i love them. and the buttons! never have there been cuter buttons, for they are glitteree and square-shaped (i.e. cuuuute). a huge flame (prolonged emph on hu-) burst last week from the heater next to the foot of my bed. i hope the fix-it gentleman fixed it like he promised, or those slippers are goners. along with my apartment. but i have trust in the fix-it gentleman. ha

i also received contacts in the mail, though i am nervous about actually using them. wearing glasses forever and then switching to contacts even occasionally draws attention, and i don't like people looking at me much. i feel it has to be all or nothing so the stares given to the huge bags under my eyes (were those always there?) will come to an end as quickly as possible.

also, a homeless man gave me a umbrella because stacey was holding mine as I struggled with my coats and warm hat made for a giant. "Here," he said. "It looks like you need this more than I do." I told him I didn't have any money - that it was OK, but he just repeated this phrase. When I accepted it at his double-time prompting, I told him i was sorry I didnt have any money, he said calmly, "No, honey. Don't be sorry. Just be yourself." I subsequently exchanged confused smiles with stacey for about 23 seconds.

its really tiny though - so i call it a parasol. and i gave it to stacey, being i already have my faulty one. and i really like my disfunctional one because its completely black except for a white doggie on the side of it, and i got that one for free as well so it has a special place in my heart.

* * *

stacey has finally convinced me to join in on her record-label-creation life. for i am now her editor of all business plans, promos, band blurbs and anything else that needs a good old-fashioned edit in the face. so here i am and i "work" for a record label bringing australian bands to the u.s. and veesah versah.

* * *

SAT classes start saturday - and i'm a little nervous. how am i going to teach 20 kids 500 words they will no way memorize in 8 weeks.

miss you kids. sorry for the long one. or wait. um, just being myself. now you seriously know every detail of my silly little current life, minus the lamp light on my bedroom walls and 'landlocked blues' from the internet radio.

take care out there, and thank you thank you x 18.7 to amanda of the torreses.

-jen.

they're doin' it right.

oh my word. i am in seaaaaaatuuuuhhhhl with my adorable family members and it is lovely. my godson (leo) is cuter than your godson, and has the deepest voice of all children under the age of 4. he is a daredevil extraordinaire and will visit me wherever i am because we are one and the same. my other cousin is named charlie, smaaaaart, 'really loves science and dinosaurs and things of that nature' and calls me 'jennie' (which is my favorite name for myself though most think it doesn't fit). and i love them both.

anyway, so i'm here and its fantastic to be a visitor somewhere for the first time since ehoo-DO-pah

and DEAR LORD. i just got back from the kexp office!!! aaaahhh!! andohmygoshiamsoexcited. i got super giddy before, during and after. i'm pretty sure they all thought i was an absolute fool, which is fine. seriously, i got more nervous/happy about kexp than i have any boy or place in europe or anything period since 1984. i am not over-exaggerating. seriously i was shins-happy as shelley, amanda and marta were at the SXSW That Dreams Are Made Of a few years back.

why am i giddier about public radio stations than i am about boys. i seriously feel right now like girls do when the 'hot guy' in high school ask them out on dates, or something.

the station is in pit of a building, an the inside is humble little place with walles covered with posters and signatures and heaps of cds and records. i met jack walters (yess) and an underwriter named damien. their soundboards are larger than any ive seen, i saw the phone drive room and lots of wires and pretty much anything i couldve ever hoped for.

ok anyway the kexp people are all wonderful and i cant believe i was just there, just now. you know how people date others just because they're in bands or on sports teams or rich, etc? ok i wouldnt do that with anyone - except for people that work at kexp. i would seriously steady date any of those dorky musical wonders fightin the good fight.

why am i such a GIRL right now. i apologize for all this ram-buhl-ing, but really. did that really happen - that thing - like, just now?

ah! imissyoutalktoyousoon.

water is magic

yo.

i feel like my last posting was ridiculous, although it is still something i want to do. now is the time, my friends. now is the time. but must switch gears.

i am teaching an SAT prep course (verbal) in a few weeks and was trained a few days ago. i never realized this before - but the rumors and research seems to be true. the SAT 100% benefits mid-rich white people, definitely mid-rich - i'm recognizing this after working with the kids at the credit union for the previous 6 months.

do you remember when 'they' would always say, "well, there's more than one right answer, but one is BEST'? that basically means, "you need to talk like we do, so choose which sentence sounds like something we would say." and the topics of the essays, of the reading comprehension - i was blown away as i was sitting in training and piecing it together.

what the hell else has been going on? work (bleh), walking every morning for 45 minutes like a soccer mom, painting every night for at least 30 minutes - but really feel overwhelmed by work - as usual.

im telling you, this 6 bottles of water/day is WORKING. that with a) vitamins, b) daily walking and c) making my own delicious food (why are dried cranberries and nuts so delicious on everything) - man, i have more energy now than ive had since i was 18. do it do it.

this weekend i am going to seaaaaaaaatuuuhhhhhl *pronounced as one would 'paaaaaahhhhhteeeeehh"* to see the only fam-fam i have on the west coast. and i am eagerly anticipating how enormous my two kid cousins are now - and cant wait to see my aunt and uncle. i am sooo looking forward to doing nothing but sitting around with them, reading and getting rained on.

i am dull. yes yes.

oh! for the love of god, please add 'confederacy of dunces' by j.k. toole on list o' books to read. brilliant!! and read the prologue for the love of God read the prologue. thank you to brother and his smartypantsfriends for the rec. (pontifex - i hope youre feeling muchymuch better)

miss you kids. take care of yourselves, and drink plenty of water.

"one of those guys"

i'm pretty sure i'm going to start selling art on the streets - just for like 2 hours a week or something. people tried to buy my sketches when i was in rome, sitting on curbs sketching stuff around me. im pretty sure people thought i was italian - usually american tourists with terrible italian accents trying to 'speak my language.' i just smiled, 'pretending' i had no idea what they were saying - making them wonder if their grasp of the language was worse than they thought.

just sitting and painting on pieces of tiny bits of cardboard. if i sell nothing, fine. but just sitting there and painting and talking to people could be really fun. ive chatted with enough people who actually get by on it. and by no means would i want to 'get by' - i just want to try it out. hmmmm.

i'm not sorry i met you

most weekends/mid-weeks, i'm 'boring' as sin. i read a lot, hang out on my sweet roof or on my comfy-cozy couch and not much else. but there are some days in which so much crazy crap happens, i find myself removing myself from the situation mid-conversation, wondering how in the world i found myself there.

the past three days and nights have been a whirlwind: when i wasnt attached to machinery to track heartbeats and/or biorythyms, i went to fantastic, hilarious performances about a lesbian's attempt to become more 'dateable.' or sat in a room of black young women in oakland who meet weekly with a friend of mine (and theirs) - slowly recognizing just how wonderful and valuable they are regardless of what they've been through - that stuff doesnt matter, makes them stronger, that they are still and always will be beautiful, to cherish and respect themselves. or went to parties surrounded by people of all shapes/sizes/skirt lengths donning enormous leather capes extending a foot over their heads, blue eyelashes 4 inches long or fitted bright-red fur coats with black stripes.

every three hours (seriously, i counted the minutes) has found me in new situations - each of which have forced me to clear my head, open up my brain and take everything in. and its been challenging in the most wonderful of ways.

i'm sitting around tonight because i am tired. because i am thinking of people far away who are going through crazy messes and situations (you and you and you and a few who never read this thing).

there are times when i feel invincible - i step away from aforementioned situations and feel like nothing can touch me, that i'm living, that i'm seeing so much, that i'm breathing - that i've accomplished a hell of a lot in the previous 12 months.

but that last for about 7 seconds. i then remember those out there who have held my hand, pushed, challenged, listened, placed the past in the past, shaken off grievances and accepted all of me for my constant changes and weaknesses and who have been there with me throughout all of it, or even a tiny bit of it. seriously even if i laughed with you once, i appreciate it tremendously. i am not invincible. i am thankful for so many people - so many are my strengths and anchors and i love/thank you for all of it.

so thank you.

pals and lovaaahs

happy v-day, my darlings. miss and heart you all. i would send you an e-card but i think they're silly, the boring kind of silly. and i dont have time to construct a photo of my face with a dream bubble with tiny hearts with each of your faces in it. though i would so love to.

happy day to all - jen.

oh! and on a less-v-day note: i have begun to implement the trick that has curbed all approaches from scary coffee shop/bar men in the previous 2 weeks: don't look back. you catch eyes once, that's fine, just don't do it again. why is that so hard for me to do?!! its like my brain forces me to look a second (and perhaps third, etc) regardless of what they look like, etc - oh but my will power is strong and i like the challenge.

once again. v-day is for all and everyone: regardless of dates and cupids, etc. miss you kids.

bob costas said, "fakey." heh

pappy came in this weekend, and words are insufficient to explain how great it was to have him around for a bit. i think he actually enjoyed himself while he was here - which says a lot for the man who once (and perhaps still) abhored san francisco, swearing that 'every homeless person approaches him.' our time together soon revealed that every homeless person approaches everyone.

dad has recently annexed the genre of 'diet and nutrition' to his bountiful wealth of knowledge. after his 50lb good weight loss in the previous 3-5 months and talking to him about it, i have learned of the benefits of drinking 6 glasses of water a day (sometimes i pretend that i am chugging beer. really. it somehow works for me. sorry grandpa), eating veggies, boca burgers, nuts n seeds, berries and no potatoes... like... ever. due to conversations this weekend with him and stacey, i just returned from the grocery store with tons of foods that i would have never considered placing in my highly-sought-after-by-some-of-the-locals grocery cart. mom please don't bug him with any of the information i wrote in here. um, please.

when not talking about dad's anticipated vegetarianism (really. from the man who ate more meat growing up than a vulture) and levels of consciousness when doing yoga (stares into computer screen) - we wandered around a ton. i think he really liked my neighborhood. aaaaah - the neighborhood that those of all ages and sizes can enjoy.

i feel tons better and more alert today than i have since high school - and i think its from all the freaking water ive been drinking. i pee like 18 times a day (again, sorry to the grandfather) - but i have a ton more energy. wiiierd.

this epi-pepsi shit has gotten the wheels a'turnin in my tiny, malfunctioning (ha) brain. things that i no longer feel comfy doin:

1) jay-walking (but i loooove it, it makes me feel so urban chic)
2) bench pressing free weights (damn)
3) working a loafer job (ie coffee shop/waitress) as i had planned to do next year. this tiny 48 yr-old needs health insurance, by jove, so onto the 'real job' hunt. grad schools dates have passed so that's out.
4) grocery shopping being i have to walk 1/4 mile with heaps of heavy bags strapped to my body. but this has to happen because i really, really like 4% of food products. (this is a lot of products).

woe is me. oh. oh. woe is me.

so no big deal. i have more tests comin up, this time on heart this wed-nes-day with results next week. itll be fine. and thanks for the kind words, prayers and surprisingly strong gut-punches during the previous few weeks. i really appreciate each of them. i feel fine and look fiiiiiine etc so don't worry.

why do i really really heart stars, magnetic fields and broadcast so much lately.

take care out there -

Please Do Not Judge the Fish

i definitely just stared at the computer screen for the previous 35 seconds unsure of how to begin. ok, just did it again. let's start with photos.

i.e. Imagery
being that few of my visitors/friends own digital cameras, photos from smiling times may take a while to make it to this illustrious site. here's a few from e-ray/birfday era:

val being a gentleman. boys: take highly detailed notes.


we really have no respect for each other


split second betwixt barrels of laughter at the fact i was actually posing like this. oh! and this is stacey.


rudy's back there somewhere *shades light from eyes as stares into computer screen*


New Zealand is a Land of Magic
my friend from new zealand just left house this morning. it was damn fantastic to hang out with him. he's a to-be 5th year med student who was traveling in the states for his summer vacation. di, meisa and rupa - hope you don't mind but i passed your blog sites to him. he's really interested in the lives of med students in the states. meisa, he read your bit on the flying baby and didn't believe it. has anyone seen 'Big Fish'?

he (jun) is super smart, hilarious, laid-back - the 'traveler type' that i met when far away, the 'traveler type' that i realize i am as well. i've always defied genres *adjusts tie*, but am recognizing that 'baby' and 'traveler' are two that i cannot escape.

You Should Be a Writer
he told me this, to which i replied, "Thanks. Man." apparently I have a lot of stories - more than I realize. I probably should be writing down all of that crap. but he was probably discreetly telling me that i talk too damn much.

The Explanation
this is the really fun part of the blog entry. two (2) sir neuroknowitalls have diagnosed me with mild epilepsy. apparently there is some craaaaazie electrical activity in my brain that results in mild memory loss, nervousness and "Drop Attacks!". so i have epilepsy. aahhahah... it's really funny to me actually. now i have an excuse for being so goofy and clumsy all of the time.

and i feel like i am finally a real-life adult. every old person seems to have to take 18,000 pills in the morning everyday for the rest of their life, and now i get to do it too. from now on, the medication-count will only accrue. ah, the first stage of adulthood. i've finally pinned adulthood with a concrete definition. see! i told you i was secretly 48!

more tests this week. see a cardiologist on friday. more and more doctors are becoming my best friends (though only one will forever remain in meehart) *smiles a dumbass, all teeth grin for a prolonged period of time).

UPDATE: dad's coming here and going with me to the doctor on friday! yeeeeees.

hope all is well. love those kids around you. we are all very fortunate.

jen

right here, right now

1) i need to befriend someone with a car and use them for their vehicle because i just found tons of info on the sweetest birding areas around and i want to 'get down on it' *get down on it!*

2) i am considering making a shirt stating "dear miss. stop it. do not hit on me" due to the ridiculous number of women who have requested my phone number in the previous 2 weeks. this is no longer (and lets be honest, never really was) complimentary.

3) i fell in love with that dog. she has melted my cold, cold heart.

4) new years resolutions are coming along horribly. everything that was supposed to be less, i am doing more of - and veesa versah. ho-raaaaaay. time to take action. but that's just talk.

5) friend from new zealand/uk comes tomorrow and if he stays at my place longer than 6 days i will slap him

6) i have not run in a month and look deliiiiicious (and enormous)

god bless david hasselhoff,
jen.

a little girl's journal entry

(minus the 'i love boys why don't they love me waaaaahh part).

realization: i have dealt with all problems in the previous 3 years by traveling/ leaving the city/ quitting my job. yeeeeeesss. apparently i am unequipped to deal with situations unless i am able to escape from them via the aforementioned means.

but times have changed. i am settled somewhere, feel a bit stuck, and a bit frustrated w myself for all the things i've talked about doing in the previous 6 months but haven't done because i am lazy and/or exhausted and/or hanging out. and i can't move or travel to escape because i am living here now and i am broke.

tonight i am trapped with an 89 year old lovely golden retriever in my room. i'm dog-sitting for a friend. this dog who is so old she cannot walk longer than 3 blocks without passing out and refuses to be alone for longer than 3 minutes. and who smells god awful. but she's cute, yes. though incredibly smelly, yes. they don't mix.

really feel like i need some focus. i wish i had 'skills.' really feeling like a chump, though unsure what 'chump' means. and really missing town hall of all things recently. i miss the freaking proximal comradery, and the beautiful kids affiliated. i miss 'the college experiencia' for the very first time eva.

when did this turn into a freaking journal? geez. why do we all love talking about ourselves so much?

miss you guys a lot. blah blah. *exhales*

what do i want to be when i grow up? no! no. don't tell me.

atari games and bjork videos

girls and boys:

havent posted about this yet, but i'm gonna bust right into it:

3 times in the previous month, i've experienced a split-second moment during which i lose all sense of equilibrium, balance, etc. it always happens in the middle of the day when i'm walking around. the result is i immediately fall to the floor, but without any additional side effects (e.g. fatigue, dizziness, light-headness).

so i went to a neurologist on tuesday, and he diagnosed the cute little 'episodes' as 'drop attacks!'. apparently there is something wrong with 1) my heart (abnormality), 2) brain, 3) neck, 4) circulation in brain and neck or 5) absolutely nothing all.

Note: The term 'Drop Attacks!' must always be written with an exclamation point at the end of the phrase. If this is not possible due to the use of a keyboard in not-the-U.S.-land, one must draw a picture of a ninja performing any type of kick following the word 'Attack.'

i spent the day yesterday being toted or toting myself among different medical facilities all over the city, in the shittiest weather imaginable i might add, so feel really sorry for me. i had an EEG and MRA (MRI scans? of brain, neck and spinal column).

the EEG was freaking wierd. they attached about 50 wires to my head and could only do the reading if i was asleep. it felt like a non-so-scary scene from 'a clockwork orange.' on commenting how archaic it seemed, the tech promptly informed me that it was one of the oldest methods still used in medicine (100+ years?!!) so i quickly shut my face.

the MRA exams - hmmmmm - hard. they stick you into a tiny, tiny tunnel of pounding noises, yet fortunately, tap-your-foot-to-the-beats. i closed my eyes the entire time and pretended i was a character in video game, at a rave (oh i am the ultimate raver) or stuck in a super sweet bjork video. this method worked well. i was told i did well, though i did not get a sticker.

it seems this was the REAL reason for my sticking with americorps. apparently i have the sweetest health insurance policy in all the land. the reality is if i would still be working at magnolia cafe in austin, i wouldn't have a damn thing.

i apologize for not telling more of you sooner, but i didnt want to talk about it or worry anyone. i hope you understand.

i seriously feel fine and am honestly not that worried. im certain ill meet with my new best friend, sir neuroknowitall, on tuesday and he'll tell me that i'm totally fine. not that worried, but wanted to let those of you out here who go through the struggles of reading this to know of all this.

a lot about me and im tired of it. more stories about festivals or dance troupes or honky tonk bands oh so very soon. take care of yourselves, please.