doozy

hello loverz.

{i have stolen "loverz" (different spelling) from amanda}

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NOTE: this is a freaking emotion-driven / lame / boys = waaah / i miss you entry. if you are weak of spirit or time or drive, do not read.

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so i've been far far away from the ol' blog. previously, i've used this computerized communication meeeedeeeum to chat about the crazy-wierd experiences that i've had in this city (and those further away). the reason i haven't blogged lately is NOT because craziness hasn't been falling in my path, but because the craziness has hit extreme levels that it's been messing with my sense of how to handle "crazy" situations. i'm usually a master at it. real wise, etc. (do most of you agree?) but lately, i don't know man, it's just been too much.

i'll try to summarize, without divulging too much or sounding like a complete girly- girl face. girl. face.

in chronological order:

1) i begin to date professor at stanford / indie rock star
2) i meet super cool dyyyyude / comedian / sports editor and kind of like him
3) they know each other (i found this out via myspace. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH MYSPACE).
4) having housemate issues. and they are not minor ones.
5) an incredibly good friend of mine and i "really can't hang out anymore." which SUCKS.
6) co-worker tells me he wishes one of us would quit our job so we could date
7) drop wallet whilst jogging. sianara (sp) gem of duct-tape wallets. le sigh.
8) strange man chases me while i was waiting for bus. i jump into taxi and escape. awesome.

all of this happens within 2 weeks of each other.

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so i've been hanging out a lot, trying to sort things through. i haven't had a lot of jen-time during the previous 6 months, so i'm finally getting some of that back.

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as far as the relationships-portions-of-the-above-list go: lately, i've felt incredibly used. i feel like sometimes boys just like me because i'm "pretty". or that i'm this mysterious traveler chick, but one that noone would ever want to pursue a relationship with because she'll take off somewhere, or who knows why. and it really really sucks.

i'm confused, for no boy gives me time of day for 3.4 years (literally) and then super cool ones decide they like me, and i dont know how i feel, and i cant really be at home to just sit and sort things through because of apartment issues / scaryville.

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i think what everything comes down to is that, quite frankly, i miss love. and not just the relationship kind (though of course this would be nice), but i miss being around people who really know me, understand me, love me. who wouldn't take advantage of me. who wouldn't use me. you are all so far away. lately, i've seriously had to sit down and list / think about the people in my life who do love me, remember as much about them as possible so i don't feel so alone. i feel like i'm in scotland all over again, but the difference is that i've been here for a year and i feel that it is less understandable that i don't have a stronger network of super great friends by now. (stacey's strugglin' with this too, so i'm thinking that it may partially be a function of the move out here and what happens after being a year in a new place that isnt school-related).

i just miss family and good good good great friends a whole heck of a lot right now. i guess sometimes you just need people to tell you that they love you. i don't know. i just miss constant hanging out. embracing environments. constant love.

what a rambling fest / feast.

and i recognize i'm rambling uncontrollably, but thank you to all of you who have talked with me about a few / all of these things already. i appreciate each of you so very very much.

(i love diane arnaout. thanks for saving me that one time, and those other 89 times too, but specifically that one time).

i love you kids a lot. don't you worry. this entry is a freaking doozy, so i shall mask it soon with photos or witty jokes or something super hip and cool very very soon.

i hope all is well out there -
love love love -
jen