the value of will power
it is so very tempting to use this thing to complain, to moan or to wonder if i will ever be able to carry on a relationship past the first trimester.
so i'm going to dabble in it now. my will power is not that strong.
i have been in a crap mood most of the day - bless amanda for enduring intermittent grumbles and grouses on the hour, every hour.
if you're a dyyyude, you may not want to read onward. might i recommend moby's blog instead? he's super funny: http://moby.com/journal
when all that stupid health stuff started - i found myself increasingly wanting a "boy who was more than a friend" in my life. i wanted someone to help me. and i promised that i would help them too. i wanted to work with them, to laugh with them, to really get to know someone. we would persevere together. we would kick total ass. i was tired of being 100% independently strong. why am i attempting to circumvent the truth: get rid of the past tense. those thoughts still remain.
supposedly, the "trick" is to not look for it. um hi i've been not looking for it for 3 years and nothing has shown its pretty face. if it does, two weeks and ive had it. and im out.
so i dont know how to meet boys, esp out of the school context. we dont have mutual friends. i met you at a coffee shop - and Lord knows when i'll see you again - so you should ask me for my number, or i should ask for yours. but "wait thats too fast. what does this boy/girl want?! i don't want something super serious. and its obvious this girl/boy does - hence the phone number request. eh. next."
i don't think i'm bitter. i don't think i'm particularly jealous of the women who've had 2+ boyfriends in one year, hell, one even.
and im really not looking, im just hoping - shit, wondering if ill ever be in a context allowing me to meet someone even more than kind of cool.
i'm tired of being strong. am i strong? and of being "mysterious." do i have too many stories? am i too smart for you? too straight-forward? are the bags under my eyes enormous? am i wierd? like, really wierd? do i intimidate you - somehow i doubt that old wives tale - thhat story that women tell each other. why do women (talking about straight ones here, and yes i suppose the gay ones too) love me but boys hit the road - though i hit the road too - because they arent enough of the aforementioned adjectives.
am i too much? have i done too much?
this is seriously not a request for 56 compliments. i just felt like revealing to everyone who (even secretly) reads this how much of a ridiculous person i am sometimes. and i just feel out of sorts. and thought maybe this would help it go away. though doubtful. i'll probably just think of something wicked cool to at write about and post it quickly and early tmorrow morning. i can't let this thing stay at the top for too long.
can anyone say giiiirlly jouuuurnal.
love love love,
jen
so i'm going to dabble in it now. my will power is not that strong.
i have been in a crap mood most of the day - bless amanda for enduring intermittent grumbles and grouses on the hour, every hour.
if you're a dyyyude, you may not want to read onward. might i recommend moby's blog instead? he's super funny: http://moby.com/journal
when all that stupid health stuff started - i found myself increasingly wanting a "boy who was more than a friend" in my life. i wanted someone to help me. and i promised that i would help them too. i wanted to work with them, to laugh with them, to really get to know someone. we would persevere together. we would kick total ass. i was tired of being 100% independently strong. why am i attempting to circumvent the truth: get rid of the past tense. those thoughts still remain.
supposedly, the "trick" is to not look for it. um hi i've been not looking for it for 3 years and nothing has shown its pretty face. if it does, two weeks and ive had it. and im out.
so i dont know how to meet boys, esp out of the school context. we dont have mutual friends. i met you at a coffee shop - and Lord knows when i'll see you again - so you should ask me for my number, or i should ask for yours. but "wait thats too fast. what does this boy/girl want?! i don't want something super serious. and its obvious this girl/boy does - hence the phone number request. eh. next."
i don't think i'm bitter. i don't think i'm particularly jealous of the women who've had 2+ boyfriends in one year, hell, one even.
and im really not looking, im just hoping - shit, wondering if ill ever be in a context allowing me to meet someone even more than kind of cool.
i'm tired of being strong. am i strong? and of being "mysterious." do i have too many stories? am i too smart for you? too straight-forward? are the bags under my eyes enormous? am i wierd? like, really wierd? do i intimidate you - somehow i doubt that old wives tale - thhat story that women tell each other. why do women (talking about straight ones here, and yes i suppose the gay ones too) love me but boys hit the road - though i hit the road too - because they arent enough of the aforementioned adjectives.
am i too much? have i done too much?
this is seriously not a request for 56 compliments. i just felt like revealing to everyone who (even secretly) reads this how much of a ridiculous person i am sometimes. and i just feel out of sorts. and thought maybe this would help it go away. though doubtful. i'll probably just think of something wicked cool to at write about and post it quickly and early tmorrow morning. i can't let this thing stay at the top for too long.
can anyone say giiiirlly jouuuurnal.
love love love,
jen
posted by jasembera at
8:25 PM
3 Comments:
i know you are self loathing and feeling out of sorts and i know that cliche things make you want to gag. so i will be done w/those.
but you should be glad really. you have the perspective that most people dont have.
you will appreciate it soooo much more when it comes bc it has been a long time a'coming. so you haevnt dated 2+ guys in the past year, you are that much better for it bc every relationship sort of leaves you in a mess even if you are the one who wants to leave them.
anyway you are fine. it will be hard for you to find a boy bc you are so many things that so many others arent so you arent goign to settle and you should never settle. but i mean the guy that "gets you" is going to probably be the coolest guy i ever meet bc iim already in awe of you and to keep up w/that hes probably going to have to be you times 3. plus, its hard to date out of school context so theres that hurdle too, but it can be done and it will and maybe you should be more open to the idea that dating doesnt have to mean marriage and jail sentence and thus good riddance but think of it as hey its a free meal.
haha.
i am motivated by my stomach.
take care woman. boys are dumb. just have lovers.
hooooesss in diff'rent area codes
By
Anonymous, at 7:16 AM
I guess one has to try to be happy even if single, but at the same time be open to possible relationships. And here the voice of experience speaks (I am almost 32 and have been in 11 more or less serious relationships): whom ever you find (or finds you) should really deserve you in order to make you happy, and vice-versa. Like diane and ant said, you are such a great catch that finding an equal won't be something easy. Nothing is easy in life, I mean. And love and relationships, even if they can be what is most precious, they can also be hurtful and take so much effort to build, and some luck and effort, also, to find.
And if you internet date be really safe, and ultra picky because you have to divide by 10 what they say in their profiles. Or don't internet date, I don't know. Go out to do stuff that you like so you are in environments where you can find people with similar interests. And always be yourself. And sorry if you didn't want advice and I gave it anyway. And I miss you a lot.
By
Anonymous, at 7:27 PM
jen, i know just how you feel (minus the being super interesting/having a billion cool experiences part). at the same time, i have to say that 99.9999999998% of men are douche bags. your super picky screening process is probably just filtering them out. either way, i'm sure that you will find that amazing, mind-blowing man with whom you can conquer the world. it just may take more time than you'd like.
By
martha, at 7:13 AM
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