sad lover blues

i'm pretty sure i am secretly 34 years old, and am certain i am one of the most judgemental sobs in all the land.

i went to a party at rudy and sita's last night (which was super fun), met a bunch of people including a boy who was insisted on walking with me 12 blocks to ensure that i arrived at my apartment safely.

since i was tiny, i constantly tried to reaffirm my 'independence' by insisting that i walk home alone, etc. but i tell you. i am growing weary of watching out for myself all the time, constantly ensuring noone's following me, etc. now i am all about boys taking care of my ass in this respect. walk me home, leave flowers on my doorstep. ok, carrying on.

so i met a bunch of people, chatted it up with a few cute boys who actually approached me. say what. anyway, after about 16 minutes of talky talk, i judged them and wrote them off completely. (said i had to 'use the bathroom' approximately 14 times last night - jesus). and what were my assertations of their character? why did i write them off?

mr number one: too effeminate
and the second: hand gestures were too dramatic
so long #3: stared at my face while smiling throughout the entire conversation. felt like a horny toad was growing out of my cheek.

and all of them seemed to be under the age of 23 and that bothered me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. why am i incapable of dating people my age, but only to find older boys annoy the crap out of me. why am i grouping people according to age. why do i judge like mad. and why, why, when i meet someone who actually seems up there, nothing happens - he is completely uninterested (which is always awesome) - or i get nervous that i am giving him too much attention so ignore him the entire time.

i am ungodly picky, and it's only getting more extreme. at this rate, i will not meet Wow You Are Lovely, Boy until the year 2032. not that i'm looking. but jesus it would be nice to at least feel that goofy, oh i like him, feeling for the first time in 3+ years. i think i have used up my capacity for this, and have transferred all of this energy to listening to public radio stations that play npr and super sweet music that makes me feel smarter.

i am 36. i listen to public radio. i birdwatch for gods sake. i am turning into a film snob. i wear a lot of black. i use 'big words.' i am far from super intelligent, and much more on the eccentric side. i am boring, boring, boring in person and via blog. it sucks only knowing 2 people in a 400 mile radius. i miss my sister and brother. i cant wait to see me father. and my mom is far too patient with me on the phone.

lewis taylor - lovelight. do it. can't stop listening to it.

does everyone go through these cycles of self-pity? tired of self-pity. peace out mr. pity party.