everything belongs

writing in this block of blank space feels really strange.

i, my friends, am going through one serious good ol' fashioned transition. not much is coherent or cohesive, but there are newly found (and re-found) mantras that i have begun to apply to my life, how i live, breathe, talk, write, think, act, don't act, sit, spend time, assess, paint and make decisions.

i am incredibly glad i smashed the heck out of my arm. i am thankful. i try to remember this each day and find myself thanking God for it every time i do.

some of the brilliant statements others have granted me that give me strength include:

you are growing up.
live for those who love you now and for those who will love you in the future.
always remember the relief you felt.
what do you want? what do you want to do? who do you want to be?
just be normal.
we need more jennifer here!
listen. stay inside your body. don't let yourself run away. remain aware.
the universe was listening.
you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now.
when did you let yourself stop feeling?

one of the biggest recognitions has been that i had forgotten about enormously valuable, abstract terms that are so complex and true that they, upon meditation thought and application, can provide tremendous strength. including:

honesty. determination. faith. dignity. grace. courage. hope.

LOVE.

i had forgotten about all of these. havent thought about them, havent applied them, since i left college station.

i'm coming back to whatever 'me' is again. i left texas, i did what i had to do. things are coming back again. i feel like 'myself' more often now! not lost. not faking it. not trying to be something that i am not. like what i want to be and what i believe in, slowly, for minutes at a time, sometimes for whole afternoons. a wierd thing to describe, certainly. but it's coming back.

i am incredibly proud of myself for living as i have, for traveling, leaving texas, challenging myself as much as i possibly could, losing control completely, and then slowly relearning how to REALLY believe in myself again.

how cool is all this. and oh how challenging.

can we go with wheelchair accessible, please?

hello fools,

to keep all of you posted, i fell off my bike on market st last wednesday, i was in the hospital for two days and thn went back on monday for emergency surgery. the operation lasted nearly 6 hrs. i have a new humerus boone, which is totally bionic and totally awesome. i was releases from the hospital last night. mom flew in the day of surgery and leaves tmrw. beth flew in today and leaves sunday. bery bery glad they're here. housemates and friends in town have also been fantadtic. ive been surprisef by the number of visitors and flowers that have made their wat to me,

cool cool cool part is that the city of san francusco is covering ALL of my med expenses for 12 months. rad!!!!! socialized health care rocks my broke world. i am also appplying for disability bc apparently i am 67 yrs old.

OH and rudy's fundraiser was AWESOME. thanks to all of you eho went or have contributed,

and if you live here you are invited to my house whenever you would like during the next 3 months. there will be a lot of home, reading and movie time :)

love you!!

the all caps "tool" probably isn't helping my point, really

well. hello.

man oh man has the previous month ever-so-slapped me straight onto my left knee. and right cheek.

shall i bulletpoint? why yes indeed i shall:

crap i can't remember how.

numerical time:

1) dad is sick. he goes tomorrow am to find out what the next stage of treatment is. (diane: i am totally down with you 20-questioning him about his childhood, etc).

2) rudy. rudy.

3) the job situation is growing dire AGAIN. i've been scheduled two shifts/week for the previous month due to "miscommunication." the owner-man found out and definitely wasn't happy about that, so this week i have a few more shifts which is AWESOME - but surely not enough. not enough indeed. job search continues full throttle once more tomorrow in the am.

4) additional job situation bit: on friday, i went to the museum of craft and folk art for an interview as an office manager / curator / volunteer coordinator. sweeeeet. so the interview seems to go really well and THEN GET THIS AND WHEN I SAY "GET THIS" I MEAN PLEASE DECIPHER WHAT IT MEANS BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE AND THEN GET BACK TO ME ABOUT IT. the executive director (the intelligent and cool lady leading the interview, stanford professor, etc) says, "you're super smart, your cover letter was fantastic and you're completely experienced for this job. but i think you will grow restless and leave after a few months." AND THEN I STUTTER A MEASLY REPLY. i. stutter. i mean sure i rambled off a list of true and valid reasons why i would NOT walk away (i mean i CAN'T walk away from any jobs anymore - though this is not something i listed). but lord almighty she didn't seem convinced. AND THEN HERE IS THE KICKER PLEASE DECIPHER. at the end of the interview, she firmly shakes my hand and says, "YOU'RE REALLY GOING PLACES." oh my god what does that MEAN. i wanted to say, "well them please let me get to that place by starting here." but i didnt. i just say "thank you? question mark face?" and tripped over the door on the way out.

they're supposed to call this week with news about if i got the job. ugh.

5) i found out last week that i needed an "emergency root canal" which will cost me more money than i have ever, EVER had saved. i also may need - oh you know - gum surgery and i definitely have a couple of cavities. we're talking multiple g's. (not a couple, not a few). i

BUT i do get to chew food again on thursday. yeeeeeees.

* *

it's been so very nuts for me, i have no idea how to prioritize anything. at least i didn't yesterday - so i closed up job-search-arama-shop and hightailed it to the hardly strictly bluegrass festival and then went to sleep at 10pm.

tomorrow is a New Day though and it will begin for me at 6:30am. for then i shall awake, shower my filthy filthy self and traipse over to a cafe for the preparation of 10 resumes, 10 cover letters and 7 additional questions that i am going to complete before friday 12noon. sounds super sweet, yes?

* * *

this posting came across harshly. yes, i know. i am feeling sorry for myself. yes, i know. but haven't talked with you about all this in a while. and i just miss you a lot. more positivity very soon. there's definitely plenty of that as well. but i decided to start with the bleeghghhhgh.

oh man i miss you ok bye.

jen

button test 3

button test 3

yo dudes

please ignore the posts below. rudy and i are working out coding for donations, etc. and this is the only place where i knew i could test it out immediately. sorry!!

jen

donate test 2

2 - no shipping

oh my word this is ridiculous

during the past few weeks, one of my housemates has been "making a film" for her "film class" and i am the "star."

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhahahah

and yes diane yes i know i have droopy, puppy-dog-like eyes, emphasis on the puppy and not the dog-like.

if she ever finishes this thing, i'll send it your way. oh my word this is ridiculous.

bianshe

YESTERDAY WAS THE DAY OF DIANE PETUNIA ARNAOUT'S BIRTH AND I LOVE HER.

happy birthday, woman. i really miss you a lot and am super proud of you and think that playing halo 3 is just ok. how many years have i told you happy birthday now? i think it may be 10. no, 9. shit. we are ANCIENT.

* * *

here is my relatively brand new baby. i call her "she" and i love her:
my other bike was stolen, so i got this one from a triathalon friend for super super cheap. I LOVE HER. never it my wildest days or dreams did i imagine that 1) i would actually bike on the streets of a major city or 2) LOVE DOING IT. but i do and i do it well. i try to take she everywhere and have been hinting to friends that "we should really leave the neighborhood" so i will be able to ride she again and again. it's just real fun.

* * *

here is the only photo of me (taken in the past 6 months) that you kids havent seen. my friend van in seattle just sent it to me. there's me and there's scott. i look like a chump, but scott looks real pretty so hope you enjoy. i miss those two a LOT. my family in seattle have been requesting my presence up there, so hopefully that will be able to happen in the next few months... i'm really glad i'm so much closer to them (geographically) then i used to be.


* * *

oh wait! there's more from shelley and amanda's trip out here! yes!...


amanda and shelley on the road and loving the pt cruiser. THIS IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

shelley's face (chosen to show off my super sweet maze-like back porch)


ruthie on the refrigerator rampage of the week. ONIIIOOOOOOON

we look not-thrilled but really we are-thrilled because we really do heart each other. tis true.


view from my loft to my hearts below.


they're real cute.


RUDY IS FANTASTIC.

rudy with ryan. those two really get a kick out of each other and are equally and unequivocally hilarious.

(i miss you, amanda and shelley)

* * *

the rudy fundraising thing is gettin big, real big, and i'm stoked. all the kids i've asked to perform have said YES and resoundingly so now it's time to find places and get some more organization up in this joint. and he's doing really well, still tired - but i think he only had to get one platelid transfusion this week, rather than three.

* * *

update on daddy: it turns out that the 'growth' the removed from his salivary (parotid) gland was malignant which is... frankly... next to totally unbelievable. the man has now had three DIFFERENT types of cancer. i just don't get it, but i don't think anyone is supposed to. so they think they removed all of it - which is awesome - but he's going to have to undergo radiation beginning in the next few weeks. our family is researching what would be necessary to enter him into the guiness book of world records under 'miracle man' or 'totally awesome human being who can defeat cancer like it's nothing,' etc.

so i may be going to back to texas for a few weeks/months, pending on what happens to him next. will keep you updated, etc.

* * *

i love you kids a lot. hope all is well out there!!

jen