good afternoon.

i am at work right now. it is officially my last day here. it feels like i quit 4 months ago: i'm not sure why i've come back here one day / week for the previous month, thus prolonging the seemingly interminable exit from this ridiculous job. there is the supplemental income, but man oh man am i stoked to begin to move on with my life.

i started to doing job searches this weekend and it's lookin' dim, but that may also be related to the fact that i *still* have no idea what sort of job would be fulfilling to me and what it would take to get there. i would LOVE to go back to school, like, now - i miss it dearly. i just don't know what in. i feel *again* that i should just dive into something and hope for the best, but i've done that before (i.e. geography at ut) and that didn't work out too well. so i'm a bit nervous to try it again.

a lot of things are finally coming to closing right now. a relationship that wasn't that great for me / him at all finally gave way, today is my last day at my job (yes) and i have cut ties with the precious amnesia bar /folks that i hit up 2-3 times a week for the past year. it feels good. i sort of feel renewed somehow.

the past few weeks has been a time to try to repair myself somehow. i've felt pretty lost and a bit out of control the previous year - it's been an interesting process to try to pull myself out of it... i've realized a lot the past few weeks:

1) running / doing yoga first thing in the morning everyday allows me to feel MUCH more energized and clear-headed

2) i tear myself down a lot (e.g. "oh man i'm such an idiot") - i'm trying to recognize it more now and tell myself otherwise. words are a powerful thing, even if you don't think you mean them all of the time.

3) i'm trying to get the things that i REALLY want to avoid over and done with first thing in the morning

4) facing problems generally. i realize that i have been running from a ton since i moved out here. i've been avoiding problems and issues, hoping that they would just go away.

5) how i think this "inability" to face problems is connected to my constant desire to travel: when i travel, i go into it recognizing that i'll probably face a ridiculous number of problems during my journey. i expect them, treat them rationally and in a clear-headed manner and subsquently feel challenged. for some reason, it's like i expect LIFE to NOT have problems for whatever reason. i feel like it should be easy, so when a problem arises i do not handle it as a would on a trip (when i expect them to happen). i put them off, avoid, get scared and it's a bit illogical really. i'm trying to recognize that life too is hard, problems will hit me everyday and to treat them as the fun projects i try to solve while i'm on the road.

6) problems are gifts that i can learn and develop from. if i avoid them or try to treat them hastily, i am not learning. not developing. not growing.

oh my gaaaawww what a ridiculous entry. but i recognize very few of you still read this thing. and i really love you a lot so it's fine.

i miss all of you! will keep you posted or tell some jokes or a story or something next time. yes?